Are You or A Loved One Feeling Overwhelmed?

Created by Carolyn Pachas - Guest Writer
 
Are you and your family feeling overwhelmed? I'm here today to share a story from Janet Bonnin's Tuesday Tips@2 video series. It involves Janet's wonderful mother-in-law, Gretchen, and her dear father-in-law, Jack. You can watch the video, above, or read my summary of it here:

Jack and Gretchen lived full and beautiful lives. Let me tell you some things that Gretchen did in her lifetime. She gave birth to and raised 10 kids on a teacher's salary in Louisiana. She got a college education and became a fantastic teacher. She volunteered in her local church and in other community activities. She had time to be there for her kids, even into their married years, when they were having their own kids. Gretchen was an amazing woman! 

When Janet's kids were little, she felt overwhelmed.  Not only at what was going on when they were little, but at the idea that her and her husband were not going to be living near any extended family who could help them, and they had a tough road ahead of them. She had her business, and her husband had his full-time career. 

Here's something Gretchen shared with Janet decades ago that helped her shift her way of thinking. Gretchen said she lived her life in stages. The first 20 years of her life was about growing up and getting her high school education. The second 20 years of life, she met and married her sweetheart. They had 10 wonderful kids together, spending many years raising them. The next 20 years she went back to school, got her teaching degree and had a career as an educator. The next 20 years were her retirement years. 

Janet and her husband's family lost Gretchen a few years ago, and miss her dearly. Gretchen lived a long, full life. She did beautiful, wonderful things by accepting her own WISDOM, which is:

"You can do many, many things in life - You just can't do them all at the same time." 

If you try to do it all at the same time, it often leads to overwhelming, huge amounts of stress and big issues in your family. 

Here are my thoughts: 

According to an article written by Daisy Wademan Dowling for the Harvard Business Review about working families, we should “Invest (our) time accordingly.” Working parents who have a clear view of what they’re working toward are more able to prune their calendars of commitments that don’t align and to spend time and energy on the things that matter and that provide real satisfaction (Wademan, 2018). 

Janet closes in here video by sharing:

"My call to action for you today is to sit down and make a list of the many things you and your family members are doing. Take a hard look at it. Are you doing too much? What can you do? What can you put off? What can you let go of, that will create the space - the mental, the physical, the emotional space for you to reconnect as a family, and for you to be there. Create the space to be there for your kids, to love them and raise them the way you want to do."

Carolyn Pachas-Guest Writer
 For Janet Bonnin

Family Growth Coach 

Janet Bonnin, Your Family Growth Coach, has worked with families since 2001 to deepen connections and improve communication, so all can lower stress and thrive.  Visit www.finetunedfamilies.com to learn how.

  

Wademan, D., (2018) How Working Parents Can Feel Less Overwhelmed and More in Control. Retrieved from https://hbr.org/2018/01/how-working-parents-can-feel-less-overwhelmed-and-more-in-control

The value of Grit and 'being Gritty'

I recently watched this fantastic TED talk on GRIT that is being shared across the internet. It is a video worthy of your time. 

Click here to watch this short TED talk

Angela Lee Duckworth, a University of Pennsylvania Psychologist defines grit as the “perseverance and passion for long-term goals".  In a blog post by Jenny Williams, she states it "... is a better indicator of future earnings and happiness than either IQ or talent.” ( https://afineparent.com/building-character/what-is-grit.html )

Duckworth explains her research underscores the need for us all to be ‘gritty’ when helping our kids develop grit.

How can a parent help a child develop grit, you ask?

Duckworth acknowledges that she does not fully know. (Refreshing, right?) A child is unique. Learning is not ‘one size fits all’. We must all learn to learn. How successful you are as lifelong learner is determined by more than just a measurement of IQ or talent.

Learning is a lifelong function and needs a marathon mindset. Learning is not ‘done’ at the end of a grade, or when a project is turned in for a grade.  Learning is not a sprint. Learning is more than memorization and the ability to perform certain tasks and skills. Learning also includes the ability to wait, the ability to reset after failure, and to know that failure is not a permanent state.

Duckworth highlights a ‘growth mindset’, referencing a study from Stanford University, as an important concept to share with students. It actually empowers them to understand what happens to the brain when we learn. The growth mindset concept allows the student to adapt, to wait when needed, and to learn in the struggle. Learning to wait for an hour before playing a video game, waiting your turn in line, waiting to buy something with money saved over time is all part of the ‘growth mindset’ and will ensure a student’s ability to be gritty and thrive.

Duckworth challenges us all to be “more gritty”.

Creating a plan of action that guides our family through busy and demanding times also helps build grit.  It supports a marathon mindset and moves us away from constantly running around putting out fires.

Here is a powerful tool to help your family develop a ‘growth mindset’ and foster grit:  

https://www.finetunedfamilies.com/smaart-goals-land/

What We Need To Teach Our Kids After The Texas School Shootings (Updated)

After the horrific shootings of innocent students and faculty at Santa Fe High School and, earlier at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Florida, we've had much-needed discussions on how to prevent such a tragedy recurring.  The answers are complicated and will require both short and long-term solutions.  One thing we need to do is AVOID getting jaded by all this violence.  Our future lies in our kids and more and more of our kids are having trouble dealing with negative emotions like deep-seated anger.  

As a seasoned Family Coach and a fellow parent, these tragedies shake me to the core.  What can each of us do - especially those of us who are parents?  Wisdom from an article written by Psychologist Laura L. Hayes gets to the core of a major issue facing us individually, as families, in communities, and as a nation.  A few quotes from the article really stand out:

"We are a culture awash in anger....Violence is a product of compromised anger management skills...."

"Anger disorders are a product of long-term anger mismanagement. They are a pathological misdirection of normal aggressive feelings. Anger is, at its essence, a part of the basic biological reaction to danger, the fight or flight response...."

"The truth is, anger management skills are simple techniques that can and should be taught to children and adolescents. We should not wait to teach these skills until verbally or physically violent behavior has become habitual and, often, life-threatening...."

Here is what I'm offering to help you move from “Thinking” to “Doing”:

- GRAB my great 3 part "Overcoming Anger" freebie for you and your family here:  http://bit.ly/2kf6g7D

- JOIN US in conversation, learning and calls to action by giving the Fine-Tuned Families Facebook page a "LIKE" here:  http://bit.ly/2Cd63g6

Our Facebook community helps you prepare your kids for a happier and more resilient future.  I share wisdom, topics for discussion and calls to action.  You can share wisdom, support,and encouragement with your fellow parents.  Together, we'll help you take action and make decisions today that will better equip your kids for their futures. 

- SHARE this post with fellow parents who want to take a stand and transform their families and communities. 

Do This to Walk the Line: Talking to Your Kids About Natural and Man-made Disasters

Many natural and man-made disasters are in the news 24 / 7 these days.  How can we as parents educate and reassure our kids without completely isolating them from the events?  Let’s take a look at some tips to foster awareness, understanding, reassurance, and empathy during difficult times.

The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) encourages parents, teachers, child care providers, and others who work closely with children to filter information about the crisis and present it in a way that their children can accommodate, adjust to, and cope with.

Awareness

1. Consider your children’s maturity levels.  For the really young, you may choose to protect them from the news.  For older children, a willingness to follow and discuss what is happening can inform and inspire curiosity, empathy, and discussion.
2. Set aside other tasks to really talk.  Your child may come to you with questions or concerns when you are busiest.  Be willing to put other things on hold if they seem to need it.

Understanding

3. Seek to understand and address what worries your child the most. Listen and ask questions to make sure you really get what he or she is saying and then gently address it on a level they can understand.
4. Reassure them that you’ll do everything to keep them safe.   Offer love, protection and reassurance that you will do your best to keep them safe.
5. Put things in perspective.  Put the event(s) in perspective (i.e.  the hurricane was many miles away, we just got a lot of rain.  The authorities are doing everything they can to rescue those in need.)
6. Pre-screen as much as possible.  Viewing a video clip showing a lot of violence can have a profound effect on a young child. Trust your instincts to guide you on age-appropriate content, avoiding things that may be too disturbing but sharing others that may inform and inspire them.

Reassurance

7. Let your child know you are concerned or upset, within limits.   It is fine to share your concerns as long as you don’t add fuel to the fire.  Carve out time to check in with yourself and reflect on your thoughts and feelings, reaching out to a trusted friend if needed.  Remember your children are looking to you on how to react and can be easily influenced by your emotions if they are out of control.
8. Take a time out from all forms of media.  Even when you are ‘hunkering down for the storm’, consider silencing the unnecessary news.  Read, sing songs  or play a simple game of cards to help ALL detach and regain focus. These ‘tools’ in your parent tool kit are always available - just like with a first aid kit, you have to review and make sure the supplies are ready to use.
9. Turn to a higher source. Whether you hold Christian, Jewish, Buddhist or other belief systems, some type of prayer or reflection can calm and reassure you and your child.

Empathy

10. Ask your kids what, if anything, they’d like to do to help.  Move on to what you can do. This is a great time to foster empathy and giving - what can you as a family do to help those impacted by the event? Participating in a local relief effort can help your child feel they are taking action to overcome feelings of helplessness.  Taking action also helps those in need and deepens your child’s empathy for others.

And finally:

11. Close by reassuring. When the chat is winding down, check to see if questions have been answered and offer to be there anytime your child wants to discuss it more.  

Taking steps to help your child understand world events without becoming overwhelmed by what is happening is an important life skill for you and your loved ones.  Using these tips as a guide can help you navigate any troubling event.

Ramp Up the School Year - AIM For The IDEAL, DEAL With What’s REAL!

Over the past few weeks, we have ‘unpacked’ some key concepts to help your family design goals and take steps to achieve things you all dream about.  We especially talked about taking the Long View and developing personal grit in life.

Investing in your family by keeping the Long View in mind while dealing with the current reality is Fine-Tuned Families’ theme of ‘Aim for the Ideal, Deal with what’s Real’.

In "Aiming for the Ideal", we are dreaming of what could be.  There is room for creativity and possibility here.  That is part of the fun of coaching conversations, and you can start there with your family.  This is the area where great ideas and adventures happen.  Ask questions like "What is possible here?" or "What if we could GO anywhere we wanted?" or "What if we could DO anything we wanted?"

​The second part of the phrase is "Deal with what is real".  Life happens - things come up that get in the way.  Kids get sick, unexpected expenses arise....  That doesn't mean everything is a bust.  If you deal with what's real, you are willing to look for what you can do in spite of the issue at hand.  Plans may have to be scaled back or changed.  You can circle back to the questions above and create new ideas.

Parents make plans (family budgets, vacation plans, savings plans, etc.) for their families. Other examples are having a fire and house safety plan and a plan for what to do when you get separated in a large public spaces.

Some of the plans are:

•            Short Term (dealing with what’s real): how to best navigate a week of rushed and early morning departs form the house, getting everyone to their various after-school activities, etc

•            Long term (aiming for the ideal): how to grow and maintain family closeness—by creating traditions like family game nights, or sharing a holiday with grandparents, or other ‘big picture’ events like college planning (what a student needs to do to prepare for college, not just finances!) etc.

Taking time to plan, make goals, and talk about how you want your family to be even when real life interrupts, requires grit and a willingness to take a long view. And you know, these habits are not ‘instant’. They take time and energy to develop and maintain.

It is well worth taking time to dream, plan and live life while aiming for your ideals.  If you need inspiration, information and encouragement to help you build a family plan that is ‘gritty’ and real, call me. I am passionate about helping your family create SMAART goals for the #family win.

Check out this fantastic offer to move from Dreaming the IDEAL to REAL-izing it:

Click Here to Create and Realize Your Ideals!

Doing This Will Help Your Family Thrive PLUS I Share an Inspiring Story!

"Take the long view: to think about the effects that something will have in the future instead of in the present. "              http://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/take-the-long-view

Identifying and embracing your family's long view (how your family wants to live EVEN when times are tough) helps you live out your values. Your family's long view helps inform your family how to respond and be proactive in all seasons of life. As parents, taking the long view is an important family philosophy AND life skill to cultivate.

Stephen Covey, author of international best seller, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, urges us to “be proactive” and to “begin with the end in mind”, (Habits One and Two) – which is key to taking the long view. Being proactive means you create and strive to live by a plan of action that you adjust as you move through your day, week, month and year. Beginning with the end in mind means you have an idea or a picture of where you want to go.  Otherwise, as Dr. David Campbell wisely covers in his book of the same title, “If you don’t know where you’re going, you’ll probably end up somewhere else”.

I recently had the pleasure talking with Carol Graham, as a guest on her internationally famous podcast, Never Ever Give Up Hope.  In it, I shared some of the incredibly difficult season of our lives, where for my family, taking the long view was the way we made it through my son's life threatening accident and healing. We all had to keep the long view in mind as we navigated hospitals and the long road of various therapies and miraculous recovery . The blessing and good news is through recovery and some major adaptation, we continued to focus on the long view for our family and recently celebrated a significant milestone because of it.

Listen to me talk about our struggles and triumphs through my son’s near fatal car accident and recovery here:

http://neverevergiveuphopenet.blogspot.ca/2017/08/wouldnt-you-love-to-know-how-to-better.html

Every family walks a different path, and every family can cultivate a long view to help them grow strong and be strong in all seasons of life.

That is my passion—to help families flourish as they take the long view.

Use this great tool to design and embrace a long view in your loved ones:

www.finetunedfamilies.com/home/#powerful-vision-tool

Celebrating Milestones

In our household we have some significant milestones to celebrate: graduation from college, successful job placements, and a wedding! As we start our 100 days of summer we will UNPLUG from electronics to enjoy these moments face to face.

Rest assured, these celebrations are a culmination of many "innings" in the "game of life." And these major, significant life events are occurring because those involved stayed committed to setting goals and working hard to modify and adjust as life and circumstances threw us some "curve balls." Our "team" had to dig deep and lean into the shared values, beliefs and long 7th inning stretches of unconditional love. When a curve ball changed our "at bat," we adjusted the plan, not our values or beliefs. On our "bench" were many friends and family to support and encourage us to stay in the game. 

Not every inning in life is a "home run." Often foul balls and strikeouts occur. Keeping the eye on the big picture (taking a long view) helps to get through the "innings" in life that are a challenge. When life plans are achieved, it is because resilient families plan, adjust and admit that practice comes before good enough and some form of perfect. Most importantly, the ability to "pinch hit" and laugh and love each other through all the phases and stages of the "game of life" makes the "home run" celebration season like the one we are experiencing, a real joy to share with all of the team. 

Give A Parent You Love (Even Yourself) This Mindful Gift!

In this season of gift giving, sometimes the best gift for busy parents is the gift of time and real support to solve a pressing issue. Most don’t ask, but the gift of time and support to be able to focus on key issues and concerns is on the top of everyone’s list. Everyone needs encouragement and help. Parent Coach Janet Bonnin offers the DASH Coaching process to help busy parents connect and fine-tune their parenting skills. "Parent smarter not harder" is the goal for the DASH Coaching session.

Do you, or do you know of parents who could use some encouragement and support in helping their family flourish? Gifting this coaching package is a way to encourage and support parents you know, love and care about.  “Parent Smarter using the DASH model” -- a simple format to help parents navigate ‘mindful parenting in the middle of it all’ using the coach approach. Choose 1 topic that you really want help on, purchase the package, and Janet will help you work through it! This powerful package includes a Snapshot Assessment identifying where you are, the Map you design to move forward, 2 -45-minute Video Coaching sessions to help you get there, and, as a bonus, the Fine-Tuned Family Cycle tool! Click Here to order this mindful and most helpful gift for busy parents!

Important Tips to Help Your Kids Learn about the Election and Its Aftermath

Like many of you, my heart is heavy as we watch the upheaval this election has brought to our nation.  Now is the time to help our kids, those who are aware of what is happening, deal with any anxiety and learn from the historical events in play.  After all, they will be choosing our leaders in a few short years. Let’s look at several points to help overcome heightened emotions and to help us think through complex issues.

Find a quiet time and place to look at what is happening with your children, if they are interested in doing so.  Remind them that you will keep them safe.  Remember your thoughts and emotions are a big influence on your kids.   If your emotions are running high, try to let them abate a bit before talking, so your reasoning can come through.

Emphasize the Head AND the Heart.  While it is normal to get upset at election results that didn’t go your way, or protests that turn violent, now is a good time to also look at what we can learn from the entire electoral process and our political system.  This is a great time to learn about things like our current election process, the Electoral College, and how the transition from one administration to another will work, using reliable sources.  Here is an article that suggests some questions and responses for discussion:  http://parents-together.org/talking-kid-presidential-election/

Show them to take what they view in perspective.  Sound bites and headlines can be alarming and often are meant to heighten your emotions.  This “sky is falling” mentality from many biased members of the press is apparently what sells.  If one article or story is particularly alarming, looking at another trusted source or two can help downplay any sensationalism.

Be mindful of the type and amount of news content you and your family consumes.  Young minds soak up what they see and hear and can have trouble keeping things in perspective.  Make time to discuss what you choose to view to help with that perspective.  Look for any positives in what you are seeing.  And make “screen free” time to decompress and get life back to normal.

Ask your wise elders what they think.  They’ve seen many close elections and a fair share of unrest.  They also have seen how we often come out the other side just fine or having learned a few tough lessons.  Have them tell stories of previous memorable elections.  They’ve seen improvements in our society that we may not recognize and can also discuss changes they feel are needed. 

Seek to understand other points of view.  Our beautiful, complex society is made of many people of different races, religions, origins, and economic levels.  We are not a “one belief fits all” nor a "we all have the same struggles" society any more than “one size fits all” works for all body types. Seeking to understand why other people think like they do leads to a greater empathy and understanding for all.  The ability to identify what we agree on gives us a place from which to discover ways to better our great nation.

Look to your spiritual practices and beliefs.  Prayer, meditation, spiritual readings, and more all help us bring our minds and hearts to a higher level.  What aspects of spirituality help you get past negative emotions and learn and grow as a person?

And finally….

Seek help if you need it.  If you find yourself particularly distraught and have trouble moving back to “life as normal”, seek the support of a coach, counselor or minister.  Remember your struggles can impact your kids.  We are passionate about helping folks like you learn to move past troubling issues.

I believe in our great nation and the people that live in it.  The family – your family – is going to help bring us to an even better future.  Let’s get started by embracing what works and identifying creative ways to address what needs changing!   Join our community at www.FineTunedFamilies.com  and through our Social Media links in the website.

DASH Coaching Can Get You "There"!

Yogi Berra once said, “If you don't know where you are going, you'll end up someplace else”.

Are you headed in the right direction? When you call for Uber, your driver should always know how to quickly get you to your destination.

How do you get from ‘here to there’?

A plan helps you know where you are going. A plan can be as simple or as complex as you need it to be. A plan motivates, inspires and gives you a sense of direction.

If you have a goal, then you need a plan to help you map out the best route for making the goal a reality. Sounds simple...and yet so many people struggle to move to action on this.

Statistics show people who write down their goals have over an 80% higher success rate of achieving them.

Goals are to plans like compasses are to maps.

Goals are the destination, plans are the maps and compasses.

These are the tools to steer you in the right direction.

The Uber driver uses a map to plan the best way to get you to your destination. You too can use use a map to plan the best way to reach your goal. Your driver usually uses an app or a route plan. You can use a coach.

When you work with a coach you have

• Structure: With a coach, a client takes more actions, thinks bigger and gets more done, due to the context of support and encouragement for addressing goals and taking action.
• Expertise: A coach has skills and tools to assist the client in making better choices and decisions, setting clearer goals, and restructuring their professional and personal lives for maximum productivity and fulfillment.   
• Synergy: The client and coach become a team, focusing on the client’s goals and needs, and accomplishing more than the client would alone.  Accountability is a big part of this synergy -- the unique relationship between client and coach lends itself to a system of progress checks, which promotes big results!

DASH Coaching with Parent and Relationship Coach Janet Bonnin, allows you to focus on one thing. This powerful coaching process allows you to get clear on what is holding you back, identify the steps needed to resolve issues, and find the support to take action. 

Like the Uber driver uses a map or an app to take you to one place, DASH Coaching will allow you to define one focus area and make a plan that will help you head in the right direction.

So, where are you headed in the next 30 days?

Are you headed in a direction that will allow you to accomplish your goals?

Do you have a plan?

Do you need to call a coach?

Shifting Your Mindset Using the "Picture, Mirror, Window" Exercise

As a Parent Coach, I love sharing tools with you that help you “parent smarter”.  Today, my friend and associate, Angela Woodrow explores a concept that helps many in the process of looking at a current situation with a new eyes. When you can see things differently, you can have a different outcome.

Angela shares, “Start with a picture, a vision how you would like  things in your family to really be. Call it the ‘new reality’.  It can be anything you desire, dream, know you need. It can be how you hope your children to be as adults, or how you hope you and your children survive these next 90 days….You get the idea. Start somewhere. Create a picture.”

“The picture shifts to a mirror we see ourselves in. If it is a picture of how we would like to be in the next 90 days, look into that mirror and see…are those smiling face authentic or are theses faces showing smiles that are strained because you are ‘forcing fun’ or tolerating something that you think should be done but is NOT what everyone wants. Granted, not every minute of a year is fun and carefree, but every minute of everyday we have a choice of how our heart feels and our mind thinks. This is the value of looking at the picture and seeing into it as a mirror. We as a culture love to click a photo ‘in an instant’. When we do this ‘clicking in an instant’ we actually lose the ability to enjoy and participate in the moment. There are studies that show how much we miss when we are too busy ‘clicking in an instant’ (http://www.psychologicalscience.org/index.php/news/releases/no-pictures-please-taking-photos-may-impede-memory-of-museum-tour.html).”

“When we are using the picture as a mirror, we are able to evaluate our actions, thoughts, feeling, and reframe or sharpen the actions thoughts and beliefs in the picture so that our picture and our current reality continually strive to be connected. This is THE most important part of our process as family: to KNOW and FEEL like we BELONG. And to BELONG is not ‘just’ FITTING IN’.  (a very important distinction for another conversation….). When we belong to a family we work together to continue to grow mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically. Reflection with the picture as a  mirror becomes a valuable tool to help us shift our thoughts and hearts over to our picture becoming what we see in our lives. This is when the mirror shifts to a window. With these new and or reframed/refreshed thoughts/ habits/ beliefs we can see out into our world with new perspective, energy, and approach. We use our new /reframed way of viewing and seeing things to create a larger understanding of where we are in the world as well as where we are in our spiritual and emotional journey called life.”

“There are different seasons to everything…and as a new season approaches out our window, the picture will change. The picture is our current reality and or new vision we have for our family. The picture then becomes a mirror and after reflection and adjustment, the mirror becomes a window  and the circle of life continues.”

These thoughts are reflections from various readings:

Mike and Sally Breen, Family on a Mission, 3DM Publishing, 2014

Brene Brown, Daring Greatly, Avery/ Penguin Publishing, 2012

Linda A. Henkel,Psychological Science, February 2014; vol. 25, 2: pp. 396-402., first published on December 5, 2013

Mindful Parents Care For The Forest AND The Trees

by Guest Blogger Angela Woodrow

While watching a movie the other night I observed two very strong and determined men in charge of ‘saving the world’ discuss and reflect on what is important in life while they tried to catch their breath before the next onslaught of mayhem.

The two men were at different stages of their family life - one the father of a teenager and one with his first child on the way.

I will paraphrase the exchange:

The Father of the teenager:  “...Make sure they know you love them, that they know they belong to your family, that you are proud of them and help them find one thing they are passionate about in order to contribute and be productive in this world….”

Father to be:  (Incredulously): “That’s it? That is all you have to do?…What about electrical outlet covers, car seats,  safe, secure surroundings, good schools and enough money to  go to college….”

The Father of the teenager: (laughs) “Oh, yeah there’s that, but those things take care of themselves. The love, belonging and supporting them in finding their passion-- that is what you need to keep track of.”

It seems so easy…and yet it seems everyday is a challenge. For it is the forest (the love support, encouragement, helping them discover their passion, etc.) that helps a child grow into a confidant and functioning adult that will contribute to the community.  And for the forest to be healthy and vibrant, we do have to watch for, care for, and keep track of each individual tree (the car seats, the swim lessons, the extra tutoring, the tooth fairy for the 4th time… the special diet, etc.) in order for the whole forest to thrive.

Mindful Parenting is not a job for the faint of heart…it is a macro AND a micro process.
No one said it was going to be easy, but the journey is definitely worth it. And it is true what they say: Busy Families CAN Flourish - just like the trees in a well taken care of forest.

Help Your Child Master This Skill for Success in Life - Part 2

As we discussed in last week's blog post, a key concept to help our children to master is that of delayed gratification. This is the ability to put off or resist an immediate reward in order to gain a larger reward later. Helping our sons and daughters learn this important skill can set them up for greater success and satisfaction in life.

Lets look at several simple ways we can teach our children how to delay gratification:

·     Play Impulse Control Games- When our kids are young, an easy way to teach and practice delayed gratification is by playing impulse control games like “Simon Says”, “Red Light / Green Light”, or “Follow the Leader”.

·     Teach About Feelings vs. Behaviors- Help children control their impulses by helping them learn the difference between feelings and behaviors. For example, if your young child throws or hits things when he or she gets angry, you could explain that although he or she is feeling mad, it is not okay to act out because of that anger. Understanding the difference between feelings and behaviors will help your child better control impulses.

·      Practice Problem Solving Skills- Problem solving skills are essential to delayed gratification.  Help your child learn how to think about the pros and cons to decisions before he or she acts. For smaller decisions, kids can mentally think or talk about the pros and cons of a decision. However, for larger decisions, encourage your child to make a list of the pros and cons of each option he or she is considering.

·      Provide Clear and Consistent Rules and Expectations- Keeping clear and consistent family rules and expectations as your children are growing allows them to gain firsthand experience of the impact of the choices they make. They can use that experience and apply it to decisions outside of the home, learning their actions have consequences and that some decisions are better than others.

·      Model Delayed Gratification- One of the best ways to teach your children how to delay gratification is to model it. Let your son or daughter see you put off an immediate reward for a later, longer lasting one, and talk about it with him or her.  If, for example, your family loves to eat sweets, you might model to your children that you choose to have a nice dessert once or twice a week, rather than eating candy daily.   By waiting to eat your dessert and talking about your reasons for doing it, you model healthier eating habits and a willingness to delay gratification in your life.

Delayed gratification is a very important skill for children of all ages to master. When kids are young, the consequences of impulsive decisions are usually fairly small.  As children grow, the consequences of their decisions are much greater. Many young people, for example, look forward to graduating from high school, but dread moving on to college or technical training.  The reward for those extra years of schooling is greater financial security and more control over many aspects of one’s life.  Watch for ways to help your children learn the power of delayed gratification for making better decisions in life.

Help Your Child Master This Skill for Success in Life

As parents, we desire to help our children grow to be relatively happy and able to easily provide for themselves in adulthood.  One of the keys to both comes through helping our children master is the skill of delayed gratification. In a nutshell, delayed gratification is the ability to put off or resist a small temptation now, in order to gain a larger reward later. For example, a teenager faced with choice of hanging out with friends or studying for a math test the next day would be practicing delayed gratification by choosing to study now and hang out with friends after taking the test. Helping our kids to learn the value of delaying gratification can set them up to be more successful later in life, as numerous studies have demonstrated.

Psychologist Dr. Walter Mischel performed a now famous study on delayed gratification in the 1960s. His test was simple. Children were brought one at a time into an empty room save for a table with marshmallows. The instructor told each child that he would be leaving the room for a few moments and the child could eat one marshmallow while he was away, but if he or she waited until he returned, the child could eat two marshmallows. Not surprisingly, many of the children chose not to wait and ate their marshmallow before the instructor returned. However, several children were able to delay their gratification and receive the two marshmallows. Dr. Mischel followed that group of children for about 50 years after the experiment, examining how the ability to delay gratification affected many aspects of their lives. He found that the children who were able to delay gratification had lower BMIs as adults, less addiction rates, higher SAT scores, and even a lower rate of divorce.  Dr. Mischel also noted that the children who showed great self-control were “more able to sustain effort and deal with frustration” when pursuing their goals.

This study greatly illustrates the importance of teaching children how to have self-control and delay gratification. As parents, there are many simple ways we can teach and model to our children how to delay gratification.  We will look at ways to do this in next week’s blog.