This Young Adult Overcame Big Challenges Through Coaching!

In their quest for greater independence, teens and young adults often reach a point where they can't or won't turn to their parents when they feel stuck or overwhelmed (sound familiar?)  

Today, I’ll share a success story of a young man whose loving and concerned parents hired me to help him. Here is the story, with names changed for privacy:

Dianne, a loving mom, career woman, wife and more, hired me to help her oldest son, Chris was a very smart young college student who also happened to be very shy and uncomfortable making new friendships and talking with adults in both college and social settings.

Dianne explained Chris was soon to interview for a highly competitive internship at a large company in San Antonio.  While certain Chris had a lot to offer the company, Dianne feared he couldn’t make it past the interviews and would have great difficulty communicating and functioning in the internship if hired.

I first had Chris work with a business coach for a few sessions to hone his interview skills.  He nailed his interviews and landed the internship.  Then Chris and I began coaching, working to help him become more confident and comfortable in casual conversations.  We worked on how to team with other interns to get tasks done.  We looked at how to take assignments and show initiative in doing them.  We also looked at how to ask for help – being willing to ask questions when appropriate – not too soon and not waiting too long.

Over our time working together, Chris grew confident that he could take on this internship in a foreign environment, around complete strangers – both of which would not have been possible prior to coaching.

At the end of the summer’s internship, Chris proudly shared that he excelled in all areas, and was thought of highly enough to be asked back next year. 

Chris later landed a full-time position with this - his ideal company, and has been happily working there for 7 years and counting!

That’s a powerful story, right?  Know that I don’t do “one size fits all” coaching.  Instead, I carefully listen to what my client(s) bring, and help them establish goals and move into coaching.  To support discovery and growth, I also offer additional tools and resources to the client.

NOW is a great time to gift a teen or young adult the possibilities that open through coaching!

Check out my DASH Coaching offer by clicking HERE!

The value of Grit and 'being Gritty'

I recently watched this fantastic TED talk on GRIT that is being shared across the internet. It is a video worthy of your time. 

Click here to watch this short TED talk

Angela Lee Duckworth, a University of Pennsylvania Psychologist defines grit as the “perseverance and passion for long-term goals".  In a blog post by Jenny Williams, she states it "... is a better indicator of future earnings and happiness than either IQ or talent.” ( https://afineparent.com/building-character/what-is-grit.html )

Duckworth explains her research underscores the need for us all to be ‘gritty’ when helping our kids develop grit.

How can a parent help a child develop grit, you ask?

Duckworth acknowledges that she does not fully know. (Refreshing, right?) A child is unique. Learning is not ‘one size fits all’. We must all learn to learn. How successful you are as lifelong learner is determined by more than just a measurement of IQ or talent.

Learning is a lifelong function and needs a marathon mindset. Learning is not ‘done’ at the end of a grade, or when a project is turned in for a grade.  Learning is not a sprint. Learning is more than memorization and the ability to perform certain tasks and skills. Learning also includes the ability to wait, the ability to reset after failure, and to know that failure is not a permanent state.

Duckworth highlights a ‘growth mindset’, referencing a study from Stanford University, as an important concept to share with students. It actually empowers them to understand what happens to the brain when we learn. The growth mindset concept allows the student to adapt, to wait when needed, and to learn in the struggle. Learning to wait for an hour before playing a video game, waiting your turn in line, waiting to buy something with money saved over time is all part of the ‘growth mindset’ and will ensure a student’s ability to be gritty and thrive.

Duckworth challenges us all to be “more gritty”.

Creating a plan of action that guides our family through busy and demanding times also helps build grit.  It supports a marathon mindset and moves us away from constantly running around putting out fires.

Here is a powerful tool to help your family develop a ‘growth mindset’ and foster grit:  

https://www.finetunedfamilies.com/smaart-goals-land/

Ramp Up the School Year - AIM For The IDEAL, DEAL With What’s REAL!

Over the past few weeks, we have ‘unpacked’ some key concepts to help your family design goals and take steps to achieve things you all dream about.  We especially talked about taking the Long View and developing personal grit in life.

Investing in your family by keeping the Long View in mind while dealing with the current reality is Fine-Tuned Families’ theme of ‘Aim for the Ideal, Deal with what’s Real’.

In "Aiming for the Ideal", we are dreaming of what could be.  There is room for creativity and possibility here.  That is part of the fun of coaching conversations, and you can start there with your family.  This is the area where great ideas and adventures happen.  Ask questions like "What is possible here?" or "What if we could GO anywhere we wanted?" or "What if we could DO anything we wanted?"

​The second part of the phrase is "Deal with what is real".  Life happens - things come up that get in the way.  Kids get sick, unexpected expenses arise....  That doesn't mean everything is a bust.  If you deal with what's real, you are willing to look for what you can do in spite of the issue at hand.  Plans may have to be scaled back or changed.  You can circle back to the questions above and create new ideas.

Parents make plans (family budgets, vacation plans, savings plans, etc.) for their families. Other examples are having a fire and house safety plan and a plan for what to do when you get separated in a large public spaces.

Some of the plans are:

•            Short Term (dealing with what’s real): how to best navigate a week of rushed and early morning departs form the house, getting everyone to their various after-school activities, etc

•            Long term (aiming for the ideal): how to grow and maintain family closeness—by creating traditions like family game nights, or sharing a holiday with grandparents, or other ‘big picture’ events like college planning (what a student needs to do to prepare for college, not just finances!) etc.

Taking time to plan, make goals, and talk about how you want your family to be even when real life interrupts, requires grit and a willingness to take a long view. And you know, these habits are not ‘instant’. They take time and energy to develop and maintain.

It is well worth taking time to dream, plan and live life while aiming for your ideals.  If you need inspiration, information and encouragement to help you build a family plan that is ‘gritty’ and real, call me. I am passionate about helping your family create SMAART goals for the #family win.

Check out this fantastic offer to move from Dreaming the IDEAL to REAL-izing it:

Click Here to Create and Realize Your Ideals!

Teacher Talk Series: The Elementary Years - 4 Ideas To Help Students Succeed This Year

The "Wise Parents, Wise Kids" video chat between Janet Bonnin, Angela Woodrow and guest Karen Aitken, Veteran Elementary School Teacher, was really fun and filled with ideas!  You can see that by going here:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eog47S36Tqc

If you'd rather read about it, here are some highlights:

FTF:  As a fantastic veteran teacher, please share some ideas to help students become successful learners.

Karen Aitken:

1         Teach problem solving.  Being brilliant doesn’t mean you have memorized everything.  Instead, I emphasize how to use resources, such as notes they’ve taken, to find the answers.  It is not what you do for kids that make them successful; it is what you’ve trained them to do for themselves.

2        Practice organizational skills.  Create habits of self-awareness and self-sufficiency. Put some structure in the classroom (or home) of where things go – completed assignments, backpacks, etc.  The more organized a child is, the less stress a child feels, especially when time is tight.  The homework is not done until it is in your folder which is in your backpack.

3         Learn to be an Active Listener.  Help children create Active Listening habits by periodically checking in to ask what they have heard in their own words.  With encouragement and practice, kids can become an Active Listener, which is important to great communication. 

4         Take ownership of yourself.  Students are often used to someone doing things for them.  Instead, encourage them to show responsibility for their tasks, like getting homework done, without prompting. Being responsible for choices, actions and emotions at this young age are building blocks for success and confidence as they grow.  “Reader’s Theater Work Ethic Kits” help kids learn real life examples of grownups who don’t have good habits.

Resources for Parents and Teachers:

www.classroommastery.com

www.teacherspayteachers.com

www.theteachingexperiencepodcast.com

Parent Tip:  Create a place at home where your child keeps their backpack, jacket, lunchbox, shoes, etc.  This can help them learn to be organized by having a routine, and relieve the anxiety of panicking while looking for these items when they are trying to get ready for school.

Remember, parents and teachers are the significant adults in children’s lives.  When we have the expectation and verbalize that a child will be successful, the child rises to that level.

Ending the School Year on a High Note

Can you believe that summer is almost here! How is the end of the school year going for your family? This is the time of year when it is very natural for your sons and daughters to get so excited about summer that they might struggle to apply themselves in school. Here are a couple of simple and easy ways you can help your children finish out the school year strong.

1. Plan it Out-

Especially in the middle and high school years, our sons and daughters can feel a bit overwhelmed by what needs to be done- between end-of-year projects, essays and finals. If the load feels heavy, suggest to your child that they take a weekly calendar and block in times for studying AND for decompressing. Completing projects and studying for finals is a lot less daunting if you have a plan in place.

2. Don’t Hover-

Once your son or daughter has got a plan and set some reasonable goals, step back and let him or her handle it as much as possible. As children grow and mature they should take on more responsibilities, helping them to become self-sufficient. Hovering and asking for frequent updates and even offering help when they don’t want it, can not only easily irritate and distract, but can also indirectly send them the message that “you need me in order to succeed.” Instead, you want to strive to send your son or daughter the message that “you can do this!”

For more tips on what you can do to help your kiddos finish the school year on a high note, click the link and listen to my “Wise Parents, Wise Kids” interview session with Parent Advocate Angela Woodrow: http://bit.ly/1LUV2js 

Simple Ideas to Organize Your Student And DeStress Your Evenings! Part 2

“Mom! Dad!  Help me!  I’ve got a test tomorrow and I don’t know what to do!  I can’t find my review notes and I don’t  know how to get started!”

“Hmmmm, You've been home for 3 hours and you haven’t been studying.  This is a familiar pattern.  Let's see what we can do for this test and then discuss what we can do differently next time.”

Sound familiar? One of the best gifts to help our kids develop is that of homework and study habits that help them do their best in school.  In this second of a two-part series, let’s look at a few more ideas for doing just that:

Design a Few Simple Rules and Expectations – Watch the flow of a typical evening to identify “bumpy” areas that could benefit from a rule. When a few rules are in place and consistently enforced, you and your child will find the evenings less stressful. Examples of good rules might be “Your homework isn’t finished until it is loaded in the backpack" and “Homework gets done before the electronics go on”.

Organize backpacks, homework and clothes the night before –To prevent weekday morning chaos, which can result in a child forgetting his or her homework or lunch, have your student pull together what she or he needs for the school day the night before.  You might help your young child design a school day checklist and then use the checklist to make sure they have what they need the night before. Encourage your child to lay out the outfit they want to wear the next day before going to bed, as well. This will save both of you a lot of time in the morning.

Designate an area for each student’s school items - A cubby or area with a basket could hold books, graded papers, a backpack and any other school-related items. Everything can go back in the cubby at the end of the homework period. Now your student knows right where to look to find his or her school things the next morning!

Designate a Homework and Study Area –This area should preferably be at a table, be well-lit, and away from possible distractions. Having a designated spot for completing homework and studying will keep your child on task and will help ensure that school materials stay together.

Declutter –It’s a good idea to help your child file loose papers in their proper locations once a week.  You might have them go through their rooms and homework areas and recycle papers they don’t need anymore. For older students, encourage them to declutter their laptops or desktop computers by deleting documents or downloads that they don’t need to keep.

These tips can help in smoothing the flow of weekday evenings. As your student matures into the Tween and Teen years, encourage and expect him or her to do this independently. Good task management skills are vital to any busy person and will help your child not only in the growing up years but throughout his or her adult life.

Simple Ideas to Organize Your Student And DeStress Your Evenings! Part 1

“Mom – I can’t find my homework and the bus is coming!”  “Dad- The project is due tomorrow and I’m not nearly done!”   Sound familiar? When my youngest was in fourth grade, he had an issue with losing paperwork and missing due dates on assignments. While he was and is a bright young man, he found this frustrating and it impacted his school performance and self-esteem.

Helping your child develop good organizational skills can maximize his or her success in school and better equip your student for middle school, high school, college and beyond.  Here are a few tips that can help your student better track and complete assignments, study for tests and accomplish projects at school and home:

Form Good Habits - Once everyone has relaxed after school, help your student get the ball rolling by reviewing the day and helping create a plan for what needs to be done.

• Check the Planner and Communications Folder – Sit down with your young student and discuss what school work needs doing for the evening. His or her planner and any communications folders contain assignments and important notes and letters from the teachers. If he or she is not using the planner regularly, encourage its use and discuss how it can help in future years when the assignments will be more frequent and challenging. 
• Plan the Evening Together – If age-appropriate, work together to set daily and weekly goals for getting the work done, taking into account any family plans. This gives your student a sense of “ownership” for the plan, knowledge of what will happen each evening and a sense of pride when the work is done.
• Schedule Study Time on Weekends- Sunday nights can sometimes be a stressful time for students and their parents, as kids come to the realization that something is due on Monday, or they weren’t able to study as much as they needed. You can help lessen this stress and arguments by sitting down with your child on Thursday or Friday, ask them what studying or assignments need to be completed before Monday and Tuesday and pencil in time over the weekend for them to study and do homework.

Ask Good Questions – When planning, studying or working on homework, ask your student great questions that will help him or her think of a solution to an issue and to encourage independent thinking. If, for example, your student tends to misplace completed assignments, you might ask, “What one or two places can you think of to safely keep this assignment?” In this case, your student might suggest a folder, binder or backpack.

Break down big assignments into smaller pieces – Try asking, “How could you break down this assignment or project into smaller, achievable steps?”  Teach your son or daughter to identify small steps to achieve larger projects or to study for an exam and plan to complete a step or two a day. Not only does this prevent the stress that procrastination so often creates, but also increases the quality of the work your child turns in and helps her or him to be well prepared for tests and exams.  

Helping your children develop good organizational and task management skills is critical in ensuring success in school and in their future careers. As your children get older, they will need less help planning, organizing and achieving their studies.   In next week’s blog post, we will look at a few more ideas for helping your student develop better study habits.

Address These 6 Key Areas to Start the School Year Right

Here comes a new School Year!  There is a lot to do and probably a mix of emotions around the changes.  Let's look at 6 key areas you and your family can address to get everyone off on a great footing.

·         Try the “Stop/Start/Continue” approach our Boy Scout troop uses at the end of campouts.

Continue: Ask each child to identify some things that went well in the last year. Have each one be specific about good habits he or she would like to continue forward.

Stop: Have your child identify things that didn’t go so well last year. Have each be specific about habits he or she no longer wants to have in the new school year.

Start: Looking at the “stop” list, brainstorm ways to put some better habits in place.  While letting your child take the lead, feel free to make a suggestion or two.

·         Help each child explore his or her motivations for doing his or her best in the school year ahead. You might explore feelings that each child wants to have AND the feelings he or she wants to avoid. You might help your child develop some goals or some “Can Do” statements that underscore where each one sees herself or himself heading. The more your children get in touch with their individual “Whys” for doing their best, the less likely you will have power struggles around their studies.

·         Hold a family meeting to update rules and expectations. Your children are all a year older and more mature. Now is the time to adjust your expectations for their expanded capabilities. Because they are more mature, they are better able to handle homework assignments and general studies. In bringing a “You Can Do This” attitude to the meeting, and in adjusting your family rules and expectations, you are showing your children that you believe in them. Remember to be consistent in enforcing the rules and championing the expectations. Consistency in these areas lessens the potential for power struggles.

**Email me the phrase “Rules and Expectations Tip Sheet” at Janet@finetunedfamilies.com for a powerful tip sheet on the differences between family rules and family expectations and how to adjust them for your maturing children.

·         In the first few weeks of school, try scaling back on your expectations and activities for individuals and for the family. This gives everybody a bit more time and breathing room to ease into the new school year.

·         Be there when they need you.  Be open to long conversations to help your son or daughter process any nerves or stress. Giving your child the love, empathy and space to talk things through can transform the way he or she views a situation.

And finally,

·         Strive to show them in words and action that you believe in them. Encourage your children to do their best in everything.  You are your child’s first and best champion.  Knowing you are there for and believe in him or her is the ultimate gift of love.

The Power of Great Expectations for Your Child

Expectation: a belief that something will happen, or a feeling or belief about how successful, good, etc., someone or something will be (Merriam-Webster)

In last week’s blog post, we looked at how a few well thought-out and carefully phrased Family Rules can lessen arguments and powers struggles, and help our children learn right from wrong.   Today, we will look at the concept of individual and family Expectations.  Let’s begin by reading the definition of “Expectation” provided above from Merriam-Webster.  Expectations are guidelines for growth and behavior, which set the bar a little above where parents currently view a child to be developmentally.

Developing good expectations is a higher level parenting skill.  Well-thought out expectations set a framework for each child to encourage his or her intellectual and emotional development. They help young people successfully navigate life and learn how to make great choices based on the values and principles their family holds dear.

Here are a few examples of expectations for different age groupings of children.  When our children are in the toddler through the upper elementary years, we expect them to gradually learn how to keep their voices down and stay in their seats and generally behave when dining at a restaurant.  When our children enter the elementary and especially in the middle and high school years, most parents have an expectation that each child puts forth his or her best effort in school. For each school year, parents might expect their children to increase their abilities to participate in class discussions, keep up with studies, and prepare for and take tests.  As our children enter young adulthood, most parents create opportunities for their sons and daughters to practice living independently and provide food and shelter for themselves.

As parents, one of our many duties is to help our sons and daughters grow to be the best they can be.  Carefully crafted expectations, lovingly set at an appropriate developmental level, can motivate our children and give them something for which to strive.

Tips for Organizing Your Student

Helping your child develop good organizational skills can maximize his or her success in school and better equip your student for the middle and high school years. When my youngest was in fourth grade, he had an issue with losing paperwork and missing due dates on assignments. While he was and is a bright young man, he found this frustrating and it impacted his school performance and self-esteem. Here are a few tips we used that can help your student better track and complete assignments, study for tests and accomplish projects at school and home:

Form Good Habits - Once everyone has relaxed after school, help your student get the ball rolling by reviewing the day and creating a plan for what needs to be done.
* Check the Planner and Communications Folder – Sit down with your young student and discuss what school work needs doing for the evening. His or her planner and any communications folders contain assignments and important notes and letters from the teachers. If he or she is not using the planner regularly, encourage its use and discuss how it can help in future years when the assignments will be more frequent and challenging.
* Plan the Evening Together – If age-appropriate, work together to set daily and weekly goals for getting the work done, taking into account any family plans. This gives your student a sense of “ownership” for the plan, knowledge of what will happen each evening and a sense of pride when the work is done.

Ask Good Questions – When planning, studying or working on homework, ask your student great questions that will help him or her think of a solution to an issue and encourage independent thinking. If, for example, your student tends to misplace completed assignments, try asking, “What one or two places can you think of for safely keeping this assignment?” In this case, your student might suggest a folder, binder or backpack.

Design a Few Simple Rules – Watch the flow of a typical evening to identify “bumpy” areas that could benefit from a rule. When a few rules are in place and consistently enforced, you and your child will find the evenings less stressful. Examples of good rules might be “Your homework isn’t finished until it is loaded in the backpack" and “Homework gets done before the electronics goes on”.

Designate an area for each student’s school items - A cubby with a basket could hold books, graded papers, a backpack and any other school-related items. Everything can go back in the cubby at the end of the homework period. Now your student knows right where to look to find his or her school things the next morning!

These tips can help in smoothing the flow of weekday evenings. As your student grows, encourage him or her to do more of this independently. In my household, my middle and high school sons apply most of these ideas with great success. Good task management skills are vital to any busy person and will help your child not only in the growing up years but throughout his or her adult life.