Calm the Chaos in Your Home!

Created by Carolyn Pachas-Guest Writer

Are you ready to learn another great idea for calming the chaos in your home?  

Janet Bonnin here, Your Family Growth Coach and I feel your pain. My husband John and I were blessed with three kids who were born in four years! You got it - the oldest was four years old when the baby came and then we had one in between. We had no extended family nearest when we were raising our kids. I didn't feel comfortable asking others to watch all three kids at the same time. So we had lots of energy, noise and a tendency towards chaos during the entire time they were growing up. Let's talk about another great way to get control of the chaos without totally blowing up the family.

It's time to call a family meeting and update your Family Rules!

I know you might be thinking, "We've already got family rules. We've got this covered!" Let's take a look at why it's wise to periodically review and update the family rules, and how the best rules can help calm the chaos in your home. You're going to learn some new things, so stick to this reading.

A few years back, I took some training from a group called Family Wellness Associates who have a great program for helping parents improve their skills. They also train trainers like me. They say, "Rules point the direction for the family by putting the values of the family into action. Rules help people know what to expect."

Family Rules are specific and discrete rules for behavior that have natural or logical consequences if not followed. Let's not make up too many rules, but we need rules and if somebody breaks a rule, we have a natural or logical consequence for breaking it. Using a few well-thought out and carefully phrased rules gives the whole family a framework that lessens arguments and power struggles, right? They know what to expect. They know what the consequence is going to be if they break the rule and it helps children learn right from wrong. Rules may vary from family to family, depending on which principles and values each family sets as their highest priority. Let's take a look at four areas that I think are important to have some rules in and look at a couple of examples in each. 

Four Important Areas for Family Rules 

1. Safety - both Online and In-Person

An example of an Online safety rule might be that all the screens that allow access to the internet are in a main area of the home while the kids are young. Also there are restrictions put on where the kids can go when they're surfing the Internet.  In-Person examples for personal safety are "Always walk with a friend", "Be home before dark", and "Friends can come over as long as mom or dad is home."  

2. Respect Our family and Our Things

Respect goes a long way to keeping arguments at a minimum.  Examples might be "Speak with kind words and a calm voice," and "Knock before opening a closed door."  Respect for privacy is especially important for 'tweens and teens as they get older. Another is "Ask before borrowing someone's things." So many arguments happen when somebody takes something without permission! And finally, a really important rule for all of us is "Always tell the truth."

3. Teamwork

A great example of a Teamwork rule is, "Everyone does his or her chores on time." Another one might be "Help with other things when asked nicely."

4. Learning 

A rule for school and education might be to "Do your best in school and in all things." Now I know that's kind of general, but then that leaves it to the student to decide - am I doing my best in all things? Here's a rule. "Keep up with studies and homework." Also, "Ask for help if needed."  In the area of electronics, a rule might be "No screen time during homework," and "The curfew for all screens is (designate the time)." Make sure that they all agree with this.

Reasons for a Family Meeting

Get your kids involved with a Family Meeting. They know there's got to be some rules, and if you invite them again to be part of the discussion, they will be more willing to obey the rules that everybody agrees to. Note that this can and will change as your kids mature.  

Once you figure out the rules, write them down, and place them visible somewhere they can be seen.  Everyone will respect them because you've had the family meeting, you've agreed on them, and here they are, posted. 

Consistency is the key  

Consistency is another key in keeping battles down. If your kids know there's going to be a consequence each and every time, they're going to be more likely to obey. 


Janet Bonnin, Your Family Growth Coach, has worked with families since 2001 to deepen connections and improve communication, so all can lower stress and thrive.  Visit www.finetunedfamilies.com to learn how how.

This blog was written by Carolyn Pachas-Guest Writer for Janet Bonnin-Family Growth Coach

What We Need To Teach Our Kids After The Texas School Shootings (Updated)

After the horrific shootings of innocent students and faculty at Santa Fe High School and, earlier at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Florida, we've had much-needed discussions on how to prevent such a tragedy recurring.  The answers are complicated and will require both short and long-term solutions.  One thing we need to do is AVOID getting jaded by all this violence.  Our future lies in our kids and more and more of our kids are having trouble dealing with negative emotions like deep-seated anger.  

As a seasoned Family Coach and a fellow parent, these tragedies shake me to the core.  What can each of us do - especially those of us who are parents?  Wisdom from an article written by Psychologist Laura L. Hayes gets to the core of a major issue facing us individually, as families, in communities, and as a nation.  A few quotes from the article really stand out:

"We are a culture awash in anger....Violence is a product of compromised anger management skills...."

"Anger disorders are a product of long-term anger mismanagement. They are a pathological misdirection of normal aggressive feelings. Anger is, at its essence, a part of the basic biological reaction to danger, the fight or flight response...."

"The truth is, anger management skills are simple techniques that can and should be taught to children and adolescents. We should not wait to teach these skills until verbally or physically violent behavior has become habitual and, often, life-threatening...."

Here is what I'm offering to help you move from “Thinking” to “Doing”:

- GRAB my great 3 part "Overcoming Anger" freebie for you and your family here:  http://bit.ly/2kf6g7D

- JOIN US in conversation, learning and calls to action by giving the Fine-Tuned Families Facebook page a "LIKE" here:  http://bit.ly/2Cd63g6

Our Facebook community helps you prepare your kids for a happier and more resilient future.  I share wisdom, topics for discussion and calls to action.  You can share wisdom, support,and encouragement with your fellow parents.  Together, we'll help you take action and make decisions today that will better equip your kids for their futures. 

- SHARE this post with fellow parents who want to take a stand and transform their families and communities. 

Help Your Child Master This Skill for Success in Life - Part 2

As we discussed in last week's blog post, a key concept to help our children to master is that of delayed gratification. This is the ability to put off or resist an immediate reward in order to gain a larger reward later. Helping our sons and daughters learn this important skill can set them up for greater success and satisfaction in life.

Lets look at several simple ways we can teach our children how to delay gratification:

·     Play Impulse Control Games- When our kids are young, an easy way to teach and practice delayed gratification is by playing impulse control games like “Simon Says”, “Red Light / Green Light”, or “Follow the Leader”.

·     Teach About Feelings vs. Behaviors- Help children control their impulses by helping them learn the difference between feelings and behaviors. For example, if your young child throws or hits things when he or she gets angry, you could explain that although he or she is feeling mad, it is not okay to act out because of that anger. Understanding the difference between feelings and behaviors will help your child better control impulses.

·      Practice Problem Solving Skills- Problem solving skills are essential to delayed gratification.  Help your child learn how to think about the pros and cons to decisions before he or she acts. For smaller decisions, kids can mentally think or talk about the pros and cons of a decision. However, for larger decisions, encourage your child to make a list of the pros and cons of each option he or she is considering.

·      Provide Clear and Consistent Rules and Expectations- Keeping clear and consistent family rules and expectations as your children are growing allows them to gain firsthand experience of the impact of the choices they make. They can use that experience and apply it to decisions outside of the home, learning their actions have consequences and that some decisions are better than others.

·      Model Delayed Gratification- One of the best ways to teach your children how to delay gratification is to model it. Let your son or daughter see you put off an immediate reward for a later, longer lasting one, and talk about it with him or her.  If, for example, your family loves to eat sweets, you might model to your children that you choose to have a nice dessert once or twice a week, rather than eating candy daily.   By waiting to eat your dessert and talking about your reasons for doing it, you model healthier eating habits and a willingness to delay gratification in your life.

Delayed gratification is a very important skill for children of all ages to master. When kids are young, the consequences of impulsive decisions are usually fairly small.  As children grow, the consequences of their decisions are much greater. Many young people, for example, look forward to graduating from high school, but dread moving on to college or technical training.  The reward for those extra years of schooling is greater financial security and more control over many aspects of one’s life.  Watch for ways to help your children learn the power of delayed gratification for making better decisions in life.

Help Your Child Master This Skill for Success in Life

As parents, we desire to help our children grow to be relatively happy and able to easily provide for themselves in adulthood.  One of the keys to both comes through helping our children master is the skill of delayed gratification. In a nutshell, delayed gratification is the ability to put off or resist a small temptation now, in order to gain a larger reward later. For example, a teenager faced with choice of hanging out with friends or studying for a math test the next day would be practicing delayed gratification by choosing to study now and hang out with friends after taking the test. Helping our kids to learn the value of delaying gratification can set them up to be more successful later in life, as numerous studies have demonstrated.

Psychologist Dr. Walter Mischel performed a now famous study on delayed gratification in the 1960s. His test was simple. Children were brought one at a time into an empty room save for a table with marshmallows. The instructor told each child that he would be leaving the room for a few moments and the child could eat one marshmallow while he was away, but if he or she waited until he returned, the child could eat two marshmallows. Not surprisingly, many of the children chose not to wait and ate their marshmallow before the instructor returned. However, several children were able to delay their gratification and receive the two marshmallows. Dr. Mischel followed that group of children for about 50 years after the experiment, examining how the ability to delay gratification affected many aspects of their lives. He found that the children who were able to delay gratification had lower BMIs as adults, less addiction rates, higher SAT scores, and even a lower rate of divorce.  Dr. Mischel also noted that the children who showed great self-control were “more able to sustain effort and deal with frustration” when pursuing their goals.

This study greatly illustrates the importance of teaching children how to have self-control and delay gratification. As parents, there are many simple ways we can teach and model to our children how to delay gratification.  We will look at ways to do this in next week’s blog.

Setting a Framework for A Great Family Life Using Rules and Expectations

“Rules point the direction for the family by putting the values of the family into action.  Rules help people know what to expect...”                                                                     Family Wellness Associates

One of my favorite shows to watch lately has been the British comedy, Doc Martin, which has quirky characters and beautiful scenery. A recent episode focused on parents of a 12 year old boy, who believed in parenting their son by totally ignoring any of his misbehavior, asking other adults in the village to do the same. Predictably, the boy proceeded to terrorize the place, vandalizing cars and more. Ignoring the boy’s misbehavior did not work for the parents, the town, or the intellectual and emotional development of the boy.

Though the family in the story is fictional, the parents’ struggles with their son highlight the very real need for all families to recognize and define a few well thought-out family rules and to set some positive expectations for each child.  In this blog post, we will take a look at the importance of creating and using a few good Family Rules.

Many people use the terms “rules” and “expectations” interchangeably, but they are not the same. Family rules are specific and discrete rules for behavior that have natural or logical consequences if not followed. For example, a Family Rule for younger children might be, “we use our words, not our hands” to show children that they should talk through differences, instead of pushing and hitting.  A Family Rule for tweens and teens might be that everyone helps with chores at a set time on the weekend.  Using a few well thought-out and carefully phrased rules gives the whole family a framework that lessens arguments and powers struggles, as well as helping children learn right from wrong. Rules may vary from family to family depending on which principles and values each family sets as their highest priority.  For example, some families might feel it is more important that a child’s can voice his opinions while another family may feel it is important that a child is speaks respectfully to adults, holding back on his or her opinions.

In the second of this two part series, coming out next week, we will take a look at the role positive expectations take in encouraging the intellectual and emotional development of our sons and daughters. 

Healthy Boundaries: A Colt Story to Ponder

By Angela Woodrow

Project Navigator with Fine-Tuned Families

A corral is a healthy boundary for a colt. They learn to trust their surroundings-- in a safe environment the colt practices how to run and gallop effectively.

In a large, open, undefined space, colts continually bolt away from perceived dangers. They do not learn how to gain strength if they are constantly fleeing perceived dangers.

As they get stronger, the corral is widened, and distance is added. Only after the colt proves it is ready to follow instructions and is able to endure the distance of the corral, is the space lengthened or widened. This practice of gaining strength and efficiency, by  running first  in a smaller space, then graduating to larger spaces, and then finally to a full length track, allows the horse to build confidence. When a horse reaches the track for a race, it will know how to handle the distance.

Here’s the gentle wisdom behind the animal husbandry/ behavior science:

                         

"In the wild, when a horse is spooked, he will run up to 800 yards, turn, disengage, and look at what caused him to flee. Then he will snort, shake his head and decide whether to keep running or relax and stay where he is. A corral helps you to achieve disengagement. Disengagement of the hindquarters means that your horse is willing to give up his ability to leave, and that you now have the means to "engage" his power. When a horse faces you, you have become its leader, and you have set up an environment where learning can take place."   (Author: Deb Cooper: www.debcooperhorses.com  . The full article is available on the website and in www.Trailblazermagazine.com.)

So it is with our children. When we set loving boundaries for them, they learn and grow strong within those boundaries. When they demonstrate they have mastered the needed skills, wisdom, and strength to handle the ‘distance’ of their current boundaries, we can expand those limits a little bit at a time, until they are ready to ‘run the full distance of the track’.  Partnering in parenting requires agreement on the boundaries and the speed in which they are expanded.  Setting up a corral in which your colt faces you and is ready to learn how to ‘run free’ in due time, is a gift of love for a lifetime.

Natural Consequences: Helping Kids Learn from Their Choices

Eric, Julie's 16 year old son, hurries through the house, running a bit late as usual.  Eric decides he is not hungry enough to eat before leaving the house.  Julie knows that Eric has several hours of band practice today, in addition to his normal full day at school.  While she could push him to eat something, Julie recognizes this is another great learning opportunity for Eric while the cost of that lesson is still relatively cheap.  Why is she thinking that?  Let's take a quick look and see.

Life is full of decisions.  As adults, the easier and better those decisions are, the lower our stress levels are and the greater our life satisfaction is.  Our kids will need great decision making skills as adults.  The way to help them get there is to offer plenty of choices from a young age, all of which are acceptable to you as the parent.   "Would you like to do your homework now or after your snack?"  "Do you want to go see your friend today or tomorrow after school?"  "Do you want to read your book or play a game of cards with me right now?"  When our kids are young, the scale of their decisions is relatively limited.  Any poor choices, with the natural consequences that follow, come at  a relatively small expense - a bargain in the learning arena.

As our kids mature, we as parents gradually step back and give them more and more power to make decisions in their lives.  At a late high school and early adult level, the scale of these decisions are much farther reaching.  "You've been having trouble getting out the door on time for your high school classes lately.  What might you do to keep from having to hire someone to get you there?"  An older teen or young adult who regularly chooses to spend time with friends when he or she needs to be studying will likely struggle academically, which may limit or eliminate the possibility of attending college.  He or she might choose to take risks while driving, resulting in a serious accident.  Regardless, the ever widening scope of their control over their own lives leaves them open to more serious consequences when a poor choice is made.

Our daily decisions bring natural consequences in our adult lives.  One of the best ways to help our kids mature is to lovingly let them make as many decisions as possible while they are young. 


And what of Julie and Eric?  The next morning, a wiser Eric noted that he'd better eat a good breakfast because, "today is going to be a very long day".  Another important lesson learned!