Calm the Chaos in Your Home!

Created by Carolyn Pachas-Guest Writer

Are you ready to learn another great idea for calming the chaos in your home?  

Janet Bonnin here, Your Family Growth Coach and I feel your pain. My husband John and I were blessed with three kids who were born in four years! You got it - the oldest was four years old when the baby came and then we had one in between. We had no extended family nearest when we were raising our kids. I didn't feel comfortable asking others to watch all three kids at the same time. So we had lots of energy, noise and a tendency towards chaos during the entire time they were growing up. Let's talk about another great way to get control of the chaos without totally blowing up the family.

It's time to call a family meeting and update your Family Rules!

I know you might be thinking, "We've already got family rules. We've got this covered!" Let's take a look at why it's wise to periodically review and update the family rules, and how the best rules can help calm the chaos in your home. You're going to learn some new things, so stick to this reading.

A few years back, I took some training from a group called Family Wellness Associates who have a great program for helping parents improve their skills. They also train trainers like me. They say, "Rules point the direction for the family by putting the values of the family into action. Rules help people know what to expect."

Family Rules are specific and discrete rules for behavior that have natural or logical consequences if not followed. Let's not make up too many rules, but we need rules and if somebody breaks a rule, we have a natural or logical consequence for breaking it. Using a few well-thought out and carefully phrased rules gives the whole family a framework that lessens arguments and power struggles, right? They know what to expect. They know what the consequence is going to be if they break the rule and it helps children learn right from wrong. Rules may vary from family to family, depending on which principles and values each family sets as their highest priority. Let's take a look at four areas that I think are important to have some rules in and look at a couple of examples in each. 

Four Important Areas for Family Rules 

1. Safety - both Online and In-Person

An example of an Online safety rule might be that all the screens that allow access to the internet are in a main area of the home while the kids are young. Also there are restrictions put on where the kids can go when they're surfing the Internet.  In-Person examples for personal safety are "Always walk with a friend", "Be home before dark", and "Friends can come over as long as mom or dad is home."  

2. Respect Our family and Our Things

Respect goes a long way to keeping arguments at a minimum.  Examples might be "Speak with kind words and a calm voice," and "Knock before opening a closed door."  Respect for privacy is especially important for 'tweens and teens as they get older. Another is "Ask before borrowing someone's things." So many arguments happen when somebody takes something without permission! And finally, a really important rule for all of us is "Always tell the truth."

3. Teamwork

A great example of a Teamwork rule is, "Everyone does his or her chores on time." Another one might be "Help with other things when asked nicely."

4. Learning 

A rule for school and education might be to "Do your best in school and in all things." Now I know that's kind of general, but then that leaves it to the student to decide - am I doing my best in all things? Here's a rule. "Keep up with studies and homework." Also, "Ask for help if needed."  In the area of electronics, a rule might be "No screen time during homework," and "The curfew for all screens is (designate the time)." Make sure that they all agree with this.

Reasons for a Family Meeting

Get your kids involved with a Family Meeting. They know there's got to be some rules, and if you invite them again to be part of the discussion, they will be more willing to obey the rules that everybody agrees to. Note that this can and will change as your kids mature.  

Once you figure out the rules, write them down, and place them visible somewhere they can be seen.  Everyone will respect them because you've had the family meeting, you've agreed on them, and here they are, posted. 

Consistency is the key  

Consistency is another key in keeping battles down. If your kids know there's going to be a consequence each and every time, they're going to be more likely to obey. 


Janet Bonnin, Your Family Growth Coach, has worked with families since 2001 to deepen connections and improve communication, so all can lower stress and thrive.  Visit www.finetunedfamilies.com to learn how how.

This blog was written by Carolyn Pachas-Guest Writer for Janet Bonnin-Family Growth Coach

Fun Reading Ideas to Help Your Family Thrive

After the festivities of the 4^th of July fizzle out, we have the long hot days of summer ahead of us. What is your survival plan?...And why just survive? Why not thrive….AND have FUN!

The one thing we all can do and it really does not cost any money at all is read. After all, the family that reads together, grows together.

I heard an author comment on his approach to reading in his family recently on the podcast “Think Out Loud” (OPB/ NPR). He recommends that you think of your kids’ reading in the summer like time at the amusement park. Letting them pick the ride correlates to letting them pick what they read in the summer.  When I think about it, it makes sense. If they pick the item/topic to read, they will read it. He keeps it simple by making sure they all read together twice a day. Around breakfast time—a luxury for him he acknowledges as he starts the day with the family due to his ‘hallway commute’ of a flight of stairs to his writing office. And they read together in the evening – all electronics off. Yes, we all have books on digital devices, but I like his approach. Unplug and use the time to read aloud to each other, or read around the fire pit or in comfy hammocks or chairs. Your children will thank you for this delightful and delicious summer time routine that can be a tradition they practice all lifelong. To ensure there is enough to read during the evening reading time, his family goes to the library once a week—sometimes more.

There are a lot of fun ways to make your summer enjoyable and thriving.  Intentional, easy, fun activities to add to the daily reading ritual will make for a summer that sparkles with interest instead of frustration. With this basic EASY, Low or NO Cost plan in place, your week will go by fast as you share with family and friends wonderful slow connecting activities like taking walk, playing a board game and perhaps a game of tag or corn hole.  

What would it be like if you and your family friends went to the library together? We have long been advocates of the local library here at Fine-Tuned Families (listen to our Wise Parent Wise Kids conversation with our local librarian here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RHLaHYT-H9Q

Share with us over on our Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/finetunedfamilies/ how you and your family are choosing to thrive this summer by sharing reading time together. What is the book or topic that is hot for your young readers? We are wondering what we should read next… let us know how your summer amusement of reading and connecting plays out!

Creating Christmas Calm

The Christmas season is a wonderful time of year for families, but it can also be pretty stressful and chaotic.  I’d like to share a simple idea to help you and your loved ones gain some peace and perspective on what to focus in the days ahead.

When my sons were in Boy Scouts, their troop had a practice to evaluate and improve how their campouts would run. They would gather and hold a “Stop, Start, Continue” discussion.  Here are the questions they’d discuss:

Continue – What did you like?  What do you want to keep doing?

Stop – What didn’t work so well?  What should we stop doing?

Start – What are some ideas to improve the way this runs and how much fun we have?

This approach can be applied throughout the year, but can be especially helpful during the busy holidays. Want to ensure you have a calm Christmas?

The simplest way to create calm is to:

STOP...multi tasking

Multi tasking IS NOT the way to create calm. Studies continue to show that multi-tasking drains energy and causes more stress than doing one or two simple things at a time.

Perhaps you are trying to put dinner on the table and read with your 1st grader...this is less than enjoyable for all. Set a timer and tell the little one you will read together...with nothing else going on for 20 minutes. Then you will focus on making dinner for 20 minutes. This is also known as setting boundaries. Help everyone in your family be calm by respecting boundaries and stopping the multi-tasking myth.

STOP the multi-tasking.  All of these things are not equally urgent - do what is important and let things go until later—or ask for some help. 

 

START with the end in mind:  What do you want “Bake Christmas cookies” to really look and feel like? Are you going for “Martha Stewart cookies” or would three-dozen cookies the same shape with three different colors of sugar sprinkled on the top be okay?  If you need a showstopper, have you allotted enough time and other resources to complete the task? 

 

CONTINUE to lavish love, create memories, and remember to BREATHE!

You may even consider creating a quiet night: Create one by turning off the electronics and reading a story together, like the story of Jesus’s birth or the classic story ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas’.

Using soft jingle bells taps into the season and allows little ones (and big ones) to learn how to control sounds. For tweens and teens: ask them to commit to a silent night. No electronics - focus on playing a game, doing a puzzle, reading silently in a room together. If your home can accommodate it, create a fire in the fireplace and encourage all to sit and listen to the snap crackle and pop.

Thinking through your holiday celebrations using the “Stop, Start, Continue” approach, what changes might you want to make in your family’s lives?  What might your family members suggest?

Christmas and other holiday celebrations don’t have to be chaotic and overwhelming. Follow the “Stop, Start, Continue” approach this holiday season and help your family Christmas to be calm.

Do This to Foster Gratitude In Your Children

Americans often bemoan how today’s children seem to have trouble thinking of others and appreciating their many blessings.  The upcoming Thanksgiving and Christmas holiday seasons are a wonderful time to reflect on what we are thankful for, as well as help our children adopt an attitude of gratitude. Numerous studies have shown that feelings of gratitude help adults and children to be happier and healthier. Here are some ideas for fostering gratitude in ourselves and our loved ones:

Model Gratitude in Word and in Action- As I’ve often mentioned, parents are their kids’ first and most important role models. Our kids are watching what we say and do and learning from it.  If we want our children to have an attitude of gratitude, we need to strive for an attitude of gratitude, and show them what that looks like. This can be as simple as regularly sharing with your kids what you are thankful for, acknowledging a thoughtful act your child performed, or making a point to sincerely thank and show gratitude to others when you are out in the world.

Have a Family Mealtime or Bedtime Gratitude Ritual- Take advantage of nightly routines to foster an attitude of gratitude in your family. Before or after eating dinner together, go around the table and have each family member share something they are thankful for in their lives. Or, invite each family member to share something they are thankful for before everyone goes to bed.  Blessings before family meals, or nightly prayers are also good times to tie in gratitude rituals.

Encourage Your Children to Start a Gratitude Journal- Encourage your child to write in a journal five things they are grateful for on at least a weekly basis. You might invite them at dinner to share some of the things they wrote in their gratitude journal with the family. If you have younger children who aren’t quite ready to write yet, encourage them instead to draw a picture of one or two things for which they are thankful.

Volunteer or Give to Others as a Family- You might make it a holiday tradition to volunteer as a family at a soup kitchen or local food bank, or work together to build care packages for those serving overseas. Another idea would be to have your children donate toys they don’t play with anymore and clothes they don’t wear or can no longer fit in. Afterwards, discuss as a family what the experience meant to everyone.  

The Power of Thank You Notes- Foster an attitude of gratitude in your kids by encouraging them to show their appreciation to others.  Talk with your kids about the people they are thankful for in their lives, and encourage them to write and deliver a few thank you notes to those people, whether it’s their siblings, teachers, bus driver, after school counselor, etc.  Along with their thank you note, they could even bake and give them cookies or other treats.

Help Your Child See the Thought Behind the Gift- When your child receives a gift of any kind, make it a point to remind them of the thoughtfulness that went into the gift, and encourage them to acknowledge the effort on the part of the gift giver. 

Christmas List Reversed- Encourage your child to brainstorm and make a list of the gifts they want to give others. These gifts aren’t necessarily intended to have a price tag, as they should mostly be handmade items or thoughtful acts.

Find the Positive in a Bad Situation- Another way to help children develop an attitude of gratitude is to model positivity in difficult situations. For example, if it rains during a family outing and your child complains, remind them that at least you are all able to spend time together as a family.

Earning Money for Gifts- Give your child opportunities to earn a bit of extra money in the weeks ahead.  They can use the money to buy some of the things they want. This will help them appreciate what they have more.

Start a Family Blessings Jar- An easy way for all of us to focus on what we are thankful for is to create a Blessings Jar. Set out a clear jar with scraps of paper and a pen beside it, and write “Blessings” on the jar. Encourage all members of your family to write down things they are thankful for, fold the paper, and put it in the jar. Together as a family, periodically empty the jar and read aloud the blessings in the jar and talk about them.

Fostering an attitude of gratitude in your children is a gift that can help them think of others and feel happier and healthier.  Now is a great time to have a family meeting to share these ideas and brainstorm others. As a family, you might choose a couple to focus on, especially during the rest of this year.  

Simple Ideas to Organize Your Student And DeStress Your Evenings! Part 2

“Mom! Dad!  Help me!  I’ve got a test tomorrow and I don’t know what to do!  I can’t find my review notes and I don’t  know how to get started!”

“Hmmmm, You've been home for 3 hours and you haven’t been studying.  This is a familiar pattern.  Let's see what we can do for this test and then discuss what we can do differently next time.”

Sound familiar? One of the best gifts to help our kids develop is that of homework and study habits that help them do their best in school.  In this second of a two-part series, let’s look at a few more ideas for doing just that:

Design a Few Simple Rules and Expectations – Watch the flow of a typical evening to identify “bumpy” areas that could benefit from a rule. When a few rules are in place and consistently enforced, you and your child will find the evenings less stressful. Examples of good rules might be “Your homework isn’t finished until it is loaded in the backpack" and “Homework gets done before the electronics go on”.

Organize backpacks, homework and clothes the night before –To prevent weekday morning chaos, which can result in a child forgetting his or her homework or lunch, have your student pull together what she or he needs for the school day the night before.  You might help your young child design a school day checklist and then use the checklist to make sure they have what they need the night before. Encourage your child to lay out the outfit they want to wear the next day before going to bed, as well. This will save both of you a lot of time in the morning.

Designate an area for each student’s school items - A cubby or area with a basket could hold books, graded papers, a backpack and any other school-related items. Everything can go back in the cubby at the end of the homework period. Now your student knows right where to look to find his or her school things the next morning!

Designate a Homework and Study Area –This area should preferably be at a table, be well-lit, and away from possible distractions. Having a designated spot for completing homework and studying will keep your child on task and will help ensure that school materials stay together.

Declutter –It’s a good idea to help your child file loose papers in their proper locations once a week.  You might have them go through their rooms and homework areas and recycle papers they don’t need anymore. For older students, encourage them to declutter their laptops or desktop computers by deleting documents or downloads that they don’t need to keep.

These tips can help in smoothing the flow of weekday evenings. As your student matures into the Tween and Teen years, encourage and expect him or her to do this independently. Good task management skills are vital to any busy person and will help your child not only in the growing up years but throughout his or her adult life.

Simple Ideas to Organize Your Student And DeStress Your Evenings! Part 1

“Mom – I can’t find my homework and the bus is coming!”  “Dad- The project is due tomorrow and I’m not nearly done!”   Sound familiar? When my youngest was in fourth grade, he had an issue with losing paperwork and missing due dates on assignments. While he was and is a bright young man, he found this frustrating and it impacted his school performance and self-esteem.

Helping your child develop good organizational skills can maximize his or her success in school and better equip your student for middle school, high school, college and beyond.  Here are a few tips that can help your student better track and complete assignments, study for tests and accomplish projects at school and home:

Form Good Habits - Once everyone has relaxed after school, help your student get the ball rolling by reviewing the day and helping create a plan for what needs to be done.

• Check the Planner and Communications Folder – Sit down with your young student and discuss what school work needs doing for the evening. His or her planner and any communications folders contain assignments and important notes and letters from the teachers. If he or she is not using the planner regularly, encourage its use and discuss how it can help in future years when the assignments will be more frequent and challenging. 
• Plan the Evening Together – If age-appropriate, work together to set daily and weekly goals for getting the work done, taking into account any family plans. This gives your student a sense of “ownership” for the plan, knowledge of what will happen each evening and a sense of pride when the work is done.
• Schedule Study Time on Weekends- Sunday nights can sometimes be a stressful time for students and their parents, as kids come to the realization that something is due on Monday, or they weren’t able to study as much as they needed. You can help lessen this stress and arguments by sitting down with your child on Thursday or Friday, ask them what studying or assignments need to be completed before Monday and Tuesday and pencil in time over the weekend for them to study and do homework.

Ask Good Questions – When planning, studying or working on homework, ask your student great questions that will help him or her think of a solution to an issue and to encourage independent thinking. If, for example, your student tends to misplace completed assignments, you might ask, “What one or two places can you think of to safely keep this assignment?” In this case, your student might suggest a folder, binder or backpack.

Break down big assignments into smaller pieces – Try asking, “How could you break down this assignment or project into smaller, achievable steps?”  Teach your son or daughter to identify small steps to achieve larger projects or to study for an exam and plan to complete a step or two a day. Not only does this prevent the stress that procrastination so often creates, but also increases the quality of the work your child turns in and helps her or him to be well prepared for tests and exams.  

Helping your children develop good organizational and task management skills is critical in ensuring success in school and in their future careers. As your children get older, they will need less help planning, organizing and achieving their studies.   In next week’s blog post, we will look at a few more ideas for helping your student develop better study habits.

This Simple Habit Can Help Your Daughters and Sons Thrive

“Growing up, I learned life’s important lessons at the dinner table.”          - Chef John Besh

When my kids were little, my husband and I made a point of sitting down to dinner as a family every evening.  One time, my husband had to work later than usual and missed dinner.  My sons were upset that he wasn’t there!  Only then did I realize how much our kids treasured that time together.

When was the last time you had dinner with your family? It is the meal we often skip because we work late, the kids have sporting events, or we get tired from daily activities. But, regularly missing these meals with the family can be detrimental to the family dynamic.  Family dinners are more than just a meal.

Why is dinner so important?  For one thing, it is a time to reconnect and share our thoughts and feelings. All day, our children are influenced by teachers, friends and others in the outside world. At the dinner table, our children get a chance to connect with their parents and siblings on tough issues like schoolwork, peer pressure, trouble with friends and more. Equally important, meal time is a time to relax and share a story about your day or discuss something new you’ve learned.

Family meals are a great place for learning social skills, manners, and how to have pleasant conversations.  Young children learn how to communicate with their siblings and parents. They are pleased to be the center of attention with questions about their day.  Most kids love to be in the limelight when they are a certain age and this helps them learn to share the spot with others.

We are often worried about our kids and the dangers the world can bring into their lives.  Of all the things we can do to help our kids avoid bad influences, sharing regular meals together is important.  Studies show frequent family meals have been associated with more positive relationships with peers and fewer depressive symptoms.  Teens who participate in family dinners seem to be less likely to get involved in drugs, alcohol or engage in other high risk behaviors. Studies have also shown that regularly sharing family meals contribute to higher grades and improved vocabulary and reading skills in children.

What are you waiting for?  Renew your commitment and make the time to connect as a family over the dinner table.  You’ll enjoy the food and re-connecting, and help your kids grow in many beneficial ways.

Want some easy ideas for helping your child manage his or her anger?  Email "Anger Management Tips" to janet@finetunedfamilies.com and I'll send the quick tips right out to you.

Calming the Chaos in Your House

Does the atmosphere in your house sometimes feel like a scene from a reality show? Are the kids fighting, the television blaring, toys everywhere and dinner is late - with you about to blow your stack – again?

My hubby and I were blessed and challenged by having three kids in four years! Just about every time we went out in public when they were young, strangers would look at us sympathetically and say, "You sure have your hands full!"

The evening hours were particularly challenging when they were young, but we discovered the kids settled down beautifully with a bedtime routine and special evening rituals. The evening usually went something like this – supper, play time, bath, brush teeth, quick prayers, potty break, and then lots of cuddles and reading in bed. Once we got the bath started, it was usually smooth sailing because the kids knew what came next and looked forward to it.

There are several benefits to a good routine. As I've mentioned in previous articles, most kids resist a change in activity. Routines can be familiar and comforting and ease your family from one task to the next. Because the kiddos are familiar with the routine, they won't argue with you as much – what happens just happens. For parents, it is almost like putting the household on auto-pilot and giving your nerves a break.

Routines do need to be flexible in special cases like illness or an evening outing. Know, too, that routines will change as your kids mature; they'll outgrow the desire for some of these routines or start their own rituals. Because of the reading ritual we established when they were young, my teens are avid readers and often read when heading off to bed.

Post a comment and share:     Where can routines and rituals help you in your home?