This Young Adult Overcame Big Challenges Through Coaching!

In their quest for greater independence, teens and young adults often reach a point where they can't or won't turn to their parents when they feel stuck or overwhelmed (sound familiar?)  

Today, I’ll share a success story of a young man whose loving and concerned parents hired me to help him. Here is the story, with names changed for privacy:

Dianne, a loving mom, career woman, wife and more, hired me to help her oldest son, Chris was a very smart young college student who also happened to be very shy and uncomfortable making new friendships and talking with adults in both college and social settings.

Dianne explained Chris was soon to interview for a highly competitive internship at a large company in San Antonio.  While certain Chris had a lot to offer the company, Dianne feared he couldn’t make it past the interviews and would have great difficulty communicating and functioning in the internship if hired.

I first had Chris work with a business coach for a few sessions to hone his interview skills.  He nailed his interviews and landed the internship.  Then Chris and I began coaching, working to help him become more confident and comfortable in casual conversations.  We worked on how to team with other interns to get tasks done.  We looked at how to take assignments and show initiative in doing them.  We also looked at how to ask for help – being willing to ask questions when appropriate – not too soon and not waiting too long.

Over our time working together, Chris grew confident that he could take on this internship in a foreign environment, around complete strangers – both of which would not have been possible prior to coaching.

At the end of the summer’s internship, Chris proudly shared that he excelled in all areas, and was thought of highly enough to be asked back next year. 

Chris later landed a full-time position with this - his ideal company, and has been happily working there for 7 years and counting!

That’s a powerful story, right?  Know that I don’t do “one size fits all” coaching.  Instead, I carefully listen to what my client(s) bring, and help them establish goals and move into coaching.  To support discovery and growth, I also offer additional tools and resources to the client.

NOW is a great time to gift a teen or young adult the possibilities that open through coaching!

Check out my DASH Coaching offer by clicking HERE!

Are You or A Loved One Feeling Overwhelmed?

Created by Carolyn Pachas - Guest Writer
 
Are you and your family feeling overwhelmed? I'm here today to share a story from Janet Bonnin's Tuesday Tips@2 video series. It involves Janet's wonderful mother-in-law, Gretchen, and her dear father-in-law, Jack. You can watch the video, above, or read my summary of it here:

Jack and Gretchen lived full and beautiful lives. Let me tell you some things that Gretchen did in her lifetime. She gave birth to and raised 10 kids on a teacher's salary in Louisiana. She got a college education and became a fantastic teacher. She volunteered in her local church and in other community activities. She had time to be there for her kids, even into their married years, when they were having their own kids. Gretchen was an amazing woman! 

When Janet's kids were little, she felt overwhelmed.  Not only at what was going on when they were little, but at the idea that her and her husband were not going to be living near any extended family who could help them, and they had a tough road ahead of them. She had her business, and her husband had his full-time career. 

Here's something Gretchen shared with Janet decades ago that helped her shift her way of thinking. Gretchen said she lived her life in stages. The first 20 years of her life was about growing up and getting her high school education. The second 20 years of life, she met and married her sweetheart. They had 10 wonderful kids together, spending many years raising them. The next 20 years she went back to school, got her teaching degree and had a career as an educator. The next 20 years were her retirement years. 

Janet and her husband's family lost Gretchen a few years ago, and miss her dearly. Gretchen lived a long, full life. She did beautiful, wonderful things by accepting her own WISDOM, which is:

"You can do many, many things in life - You just can't do them all at the same time." 

If you try to do it all at the same time, it often leads to overwhelming, huge amounts of stress and big issues in your family. 

Here are my thoughts: 

According to an article written by Daisy Wademan Dowling for the Harvard Business Review about working families, we should “Invest (our) time accordingly.” Working parents who have a clear view of what they’re working toward are more able to prune their calendars of commitments that don’t align and to spend time and energy on the things that matter and that provide real satisfaction (Wademan, 2018). 

Janet closes in here video by sharing:

"My call to action for you today is to sit down and make a list of the many things you and your family members are doing. Take a hard look at it. Are you doing too much? What can you do? What can you put off? What can you let go of, that will create the space - the mental, the physical, the emotional space for you to reconnect as a family, and for you to be there. Create the space to be there for your kids, to love them and raise them the way you want to do."

Carolyn Pachas-Guest Writer
 For Janet Bonnin

Family Growth Coach 

Janet Bonnin, Your Family Growth Coach, has worked with families since 2001 to deepen connections and improve communication, so all can lower stress and thrive.  Visit www.finetunedfamilies.com to learn how.

  

Wademan, D., (2018) How Working Parents Can Feel Less Overwhelmed and More in Control. Retrieved from https://hbr.org/2018/01/how-working-parents-can-feel-less-overwhelmed-and-more-in-control

Setting S-M-A-A-R-T Goals for Your Family

By Angela K Woodrow,  
Updated by Janet Bonnin

Want to know the secret to achieving your goals / dreams / wishes / desires?

It is all about being intentional. When you are aware of what it takes to get something done, know the steps, know the cost (time, talent and resources) - then getting it done is focused and intentional and the results are always good!

Think of it this way...did any athlete or successful business person get up out of bed one day and say ‘ta-da’ goal accomplished? No. Truth be told, there are always setbacks. When you have a plan that is clear and descriptive, even the setbacks can be leveraged to help you accomplish your goals.  Lets look at the steps to help you and your family get ready to flourish with goal setting:

When you are making a goal, it needs to be a S-M-A-A-R-T goal.  In the Fine-Tuned Families community, this stands for:

•  Specific

•  Measurable

•  Actions

•  Accountability (the "Secret Sauce" that helps us attain our goals)

•  Resources

•  Time Table

A goal can simple, such as “Eat a meal together”.  Is that too easy? Actually, it is not specific enough.  The goal is announced, but the people participating in making it a reality don’t have a concept of how to accomplish it.

So first it must be Specific:

“Eat breakfast together”.  The meal is defined. The goal of eating a meal together is defined as the first meal of the day.

To make the goal have some strength, it must be Measurable:

“Eat breakfast together two times a week.”  Now, the specifics can be measured.  It may be Saturday and Sunday...or it may be a quick breakfast stop mid- week at the local coffee shop-- what a way to motivate those young teens out of bed! When a plan needs to be adjusted you have 5 other days to choose from to help you meet the desired goal. 

Actions: What actions do you need to take?

•  Set the alarm

•  Go to bed a bit earlier the night before

•  Set up a budget to help you manage the cost of eating breakfast out once a week

Accountability: This is the "Secret Sauce" in taking goal setting to realization.  There are a number of ways you may create some accountability in your plans.  The first is to ask someone to be your accountability partner.  Who are you going to report to regarding your success or the need to adjust the goal setting strategy?  Another way to hold yourself accountable may be by creating your own checklist.  Still another could be journaling about your progress, what you discover and your successes.

Resources: This category may seem to overlap with Actions as set out above. But, like painting a room, the more prep the better the result! Naming and claiming who will do what is just as important as naming the action.  Who actually will do the cooking or set up and then the clean up or shopping? 

Looking at the ‘big picture’, allows you to hash out a successful goal reaching strategy.  Double checking your thinking may make the difference between getting a jump on the reaching your goal versus falling into the rut of "flash starts and weak finishes". (Also known as the definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, yet expecting a different result.)

Time table: This is an important and often ignored part of successful goal reaching, the awareness of time - what is a reasonable length of time to work on this goal? When is the best time to start - now or the week kids have off school so that accomplishing the goal is enjoyable and gives the kids motivation not to linger in ‘non-routine’ moments.

Taking the time as a family to set S-M-A-A-R-T Goals; to really organize, plan and implement the goal allows your family to celebrate success and know how to move forward in planning the next goal, such as: “Eating 2 meals a day together 3 days a week!”

Enjoy creating and achieving S-M-A-A-R-T Goals this year with your flourishing family!

Build Great Memories with Great Conversations! Here's a Free Gift for Dad and The Family!

There is a great gift for Dads (and all the family) on my website -- Great Conversation Starters…

Powerful conversations start with questions that are positive, and encourage a response beyond a ‘one word’ answer. Knowing how to ask a question is important so you can open the door to dialogue and conversation.

When you ask your child a good question for a conversation starter—you should practice your good listening skills to ensure your child learns to value sharing their thoughts and feelings with you. Good listening is an important resiliency skill to model. You have to practice…not just preach.

My free gift (http://www.finetunedfamilies.com/father-s-day-gift) gives you the conversations starters directions and examples around:

•Asking an open-ended question (to dream, problem solve, or to forecast).

•Asking a specific conversation question (to connect, to get information, or to plan).

Here are two simple guidelines on how to use great conversations starters:

Guideline #1  You have two ears and one mouth.

This is the perfect ratio to help you remember to listen twice as much as you talk.

Ask the question, then be quiet. Sit so you can lean in and share your interest in hearing the answer.

            A. Make sure your phone is off/ put away or in another room.                                                        Obvious…and yet time and time again, I remind folks to practice electronic free conversations…the old fashioned way - face-to-face.

            

            B. Mind your ABC’s of good listening:

                        Attend with genuine attention

                        Be responsive to what is said

                        Care about the other person

                        Don’t interrupt

                        Encourage the person to say more ….

Guideline #2 Active Constructive Response builds, strengthens, & maintains important relationships.

            A. Ask follow up questions that show enthusiasm and the desire to hear more

     details.

            B. Choose constructive responses over destructive response.

                 This handy chart explains what active listening is and is not:

	Constructive	Destructive
Active	Show authentic interest & support	Bring up negative points, or correct their version of the sharing
Passive	Distracted or understated support	‘One upping' distracts from the sharing

Check out  my free gift now at 

http://www.finetunedfamilies.com/father-s-day-gift

Happy Father’s Day…may all your conversations with your kids be great today!

The value of Grit and 'being Gritty'

I recently watched this fantastic TED talk on GRIT that is being shared across the internet. It is a video worthy of your time. 

Click here to watch this short TED talk

Angela Lee Duckworth, a University of Pennsylvania Psychologist defines grit as the “perseverance and passion for long-term goals".  In a blog post by Jenny Williams, she states it "... is a better indicator of future earnings and happiness than either IQ or talent.” ( https://afineparent.com/building-character/what-is-grit.html )

Duckworth explains her research underscores the need for us all to be ‘gritty’ when helping our kids develop grit.

How can a parent help a child develop grit, you ask?

Duckworth acknowledges that she does not fully know. (Refreshing, right?) A child is unique. Learning is not ‘one size fits all’. We must all learn to learn. How successful you are as lifelong learner is determined by more than just a measurement of IQ or talent.

Learning is a lifelong function and needs a marathon mindset. Learning is not ‘done’ at the end of a grade, or when a project is turned in for a grade.  Learning is not a sprint. Learning is more than memorization and the ability to perform certain tasks and skills. Learning also includes the ability to wait, the ability to reset after failure, and to know that failure is not a permanent state.

Duckworth highlights a ‘growth mindset’, referencing a study from Stanford University, as an important concept to share with students. It actually empowers them to understand what happens to the brain when we learn. The growth mindset concept allows the student to adapt, to wait when needed, and to learn in the struggle. Learning to wait for an hour before playing a video game, waiting your turn in line, waiting to buy something with money saved over time is all part of the ‘growth mindset’ and will ensure a student’s ability to be gritty and thrive.

Duckworth challenges us all to be “more gritty”.

Creating a plan of action that guides our family through busy and demanding times also helps build grit.  It supports a marathon mindset and moves us away from constantly running around putting out fires.

Here is a powerful tool to help your family develop a ‘growth mindset’ and foster grit:  

https://www.finetunedfamilies.com/smaart-goals-land/

Calm the Chaos in Your Home!

Created by Carolyn Pachas-Guest Writer

Are you ready to learn another great idea for calming the chaos in your home?  

Janet Bonnin here, Your Family Growth Coach and I feel your pain. My husband John and I were blessed with three kids who were born in four years! You got it - the oldest was four years old when the baby came and then we had one in between. We had no extended family nearest when we were raising our kids. I didn't feel comfortable asking others to watch all three kids at the same time. So we had lots of energy, noise and a tendency towards chaos during the entire time they were growing up. Let's talk about another great way to get control of the chaos without totally blowing up the family.

It's time to call a family meeting and update your Family Rules!

I know you might be thinking, "We've already got family rules. We've got this covered!" Let's take a look at why it's wise to periodically review and update the family rules, and how the best rules can help calm the chaos in your home. You're going to learn some new things, so stick to this reading.

A few years back, I took some training from a group called Family Wellness Associates who have a great program for helping parents improve their skills. They also train trainers like me. They say, "Rules point the direction for the family by putting the values of the family into action. Rules help people know what to expect."

Family Rules are specific and discrete rules for behavior that have natural or logical consequences if not followed. Let's not make up too many rules, but we need rules and if somebody breaks a rule, we have a natural or logical consequence for breaking it. Using a few well-thought out and carefully phrased rules gives the whole family a framework that lessens arguments and power struggles, right? They know what to expect. They know what the consequence is going to be if they break the rule and it helps children learn right from wrong. Rules may vary from family to family, depending on which principles and values each family sets as their highest priority. Let's take a look at four areas that I think are important to have some rules in and look at a couple of examples in each. 

Four Important Areas for Family Rules 

1. Safety - both Online and In-Person

An example of an Online safety rule might be that all the screens that allow access to the internet are in a main area of the home while the kids are young. Also there are restrictions put on where the kids can go when they're surfing the Internet.  In-Person examples for personal safety are "Always walk with a friend", "Be home before dark", and "Friends can come over as long as mom or dad is home."  

2. Respect Our family and Our Things

Respect goes a long way to keeping arguments at a minimum.  Examples might be "Speak with kind words and a calm voice," and "Knock before opening a closed door."  Respect for privacy is especially important for 'tweens and teens as they get older. Another is "Ask before borrowing someone's things." So many arguments happen when somebody takes something without permission! And finally, a really important rule for all of us is "Always tell the truth."

3. Teamwork

A great example of a Teamwork rule is, "Everyone does his or her chores on time." Another one might be "Help with other things when asked nicely."

4. Learning 

A rule for school and education might be to "Do your best in school and in all things." Now I know that's kind of general, but then that leaves it to the student to decide - am I doing my best in all things? Here's a rule. "Keep up with studies and homework." Also, "Ask for help if needed."  In the area of electronics, a rule might be "No screen time during homework," and "The curfew for all screens is (designate the time)." Make sure that they all agree with this.

Reasons for a Family Meeting

Get your kids involved with a Family Meeting. They know there's got to be some rules, and if you invite them again to be part of the discussion, they will be more willing to obey the rules that everybody agrees to. Note that this can and will change as your kids mature.  

Once you figure out the rules, write them down, and place them visible somewhere they can be seen.  Everyone will respect them because you've had the family meeting, you've agreed on them, and here they are, posted. 

Consistency is the key  

Consistency is another key in keeping battles down. If your kids know there's going to be a consequence each and every time, they're going to be more likely to obey. 


Janet Bonnin, Your Family Growth Coach, has worked with families since 2001 to deepen connections and improve communication, so all can lower stress and thrive.  Visit www.finetunedfamilies.com to learn how how.

This blog was written by Carolyn Pachas-Guest Writer for Janet Bonnin-Family Growth Coach

How Do You Manage Your Family Member’s Chaotic Schedules?

Over the past several years, we’ve had a lot of wisdom shared with busy parents, especially through our “Wise Parents, Wise Kids” video chats.  I recently sat down to chat with Mary Beth Goodrich, Professor and Senior Lecturer at UT Dallas and mother of three, and with Gina Cruz, Owner and Director of Learning Rx San Antonio NE and mother of two.  They shared their thoughts on the challenges of juggling career, family, self-care, and more.  

The ideas covered can benefit you and your loved ones – whether you work full time outside home, full time within your family, or anywhere in-between.  One insightful idea that really helps Gina is using Google Calendar to keep up with each family member’s schedules and to plan where the kids will be and who is getting them there.

Don’t miss this!  Grab a pen and paper and listen to this great conversation here:  http://bit.ly/2yJfgr4

We all have goals and dreams for our families. One way to make sure they come to life is to talk about them and then create action steps that allow us to “aim for the ideal and deal with what’s real”.

Check out the many ways I can support you today in creating a better life for you and your loved ones here: http://bit.ly/2AJNI5H 

Do This to Walk the Line: Talking to Your Kids About Natural and Man-made Disasters

Many natural and man-made disasters are in the news 24 / 7 these days.  How can we as parents educate and reassure our kids without completely isolating them from the events?  Let’s take a look at some tips to foster awareness, understanding, reassurance, and empathy during difficult times.

The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) encourages parents, teachers, child care providers, and others who work closely with children to filter information about the crisis and present it in a way that their children can accommodate, adjust to, and cope with.

Awareness

1. Consider your children’s maturity levels.  For the really young, you may choose to protect them from the news.  For older children, a willingness to follow and discuss what is happening can inform and inspire curiosity, empathy, and discussion.
2. Set aside other tasks to really talk.  Your child may come to you with questions or concerns when you are busiest.  Be willing to put other things on hold if they seem to need it.

Understanding

3. Seek to understand and address what worries your child the most. Listen and ask questions to make sure you really get what he or she is saying and then gently address it on a level they can understand.
4. Reassure them that you’ll do everything to keep them safe.   Offer love, protection and reassurance that you will do your best to keep them safe.
5. Put things in perspective.  Put the event(s) in perspective (i.e.  the hurricane was many miles away, we just got a lot of rain.  The authorities are doing everything they can to rescue those in need.)
6. Pre-screen as much as possible.  Viewing a video clip showing a lot of violence can have a profound effect on a young child. Trust your instincts to guide you on age-appropriate content, avoiding things that may be too disturbing but sharing others that may inform and inspire them.

Reassurance

7. Let your child know you are concerned or upset, within limits.   It is fine to share your concerns as long as you don’t add fuel to the fire.  Carve out time to check in with yourself and reflect on your thoughts and feelings, reaching out to a trusted friend if needed.  Remember your children are looking to you on how to react and can be easily influenced by your emotions if they are out of control.
8. Take a time out from all forms of media.  Even when you are ‘hunkering down for the storm’, consider silencing the unnecessary news.  Read, sing songs  or play a simple game of cards to help ALL detach and regain focus. These ‘tools’ in your parent tool kit are always available - just like with a first aid kit, you have to review and make sure the supplies are ready to use.
9. Turn to a higher source. Whether you hold Christian, Jewish, Buddhist or other belief systems, some type of prayer or reflection can calm and reassure you and your child.

Empathy

10. Ask your kids what, if anything, they’d like to do to help.  Move on to what you can do. This is a great time to foster empathy and giving - what can you as a family do to help those impacted by the event? Participating in a local relief effort can help your child feel they are taking action to overcome feelings of helplessness.  Taking action also helps those in need and deepens your child’s empathy for others.

And finally:

11. Close by reassuring. When the chat is winding down, check to see if questions have been answered and offer to be there anytime your child wants to discuss it more.  

Taking steps to help your child understand world events without becoming overwhelmed by what is happening is an important life skill for you and your loved ones.  Using these tips as a guide can help you navigate any troubling event.

Ramp Up the School Year - AIM For The IDEAL, DEAL With What’s REAL!

Over the past few weeks, we have ‘unpacked’ some key concepts to help your family design goals and take steps to achieve things you all dream about.  We especially talked about taking the Long View and developing personal grit in life.

Investing in your family by keeping the Long View in mind while dealing with the current reality is Fine-Tuned Families’ theme of ‘Aim for the Ideal, Deal with what’s Real’.

In "Aiming for the Ideal", we are dreaming of what could be.  There is room for creativity and possibility here.  That is part of the fun of coaching conversations, and you can start there with your family.  This is the area where great ideas and adventures happen.  Ask questions like "What is possible here?" or "What if we could GO anywhere we wanted?" or "What if we could DO anything we wanted?"

​The second part of the phrase is "Deal with what is real".  Life happens - things come up that get in the way.  Kids get sick, unexpected expenses arise....  That doesn't mean everything is a bust.  If you deal with what's real, you are willing to look for what you can do in spite of the issue at hand.  Plans may have to be scaled back or changed.  You can circle back to the questions above and create new ideas.

Parents make plans (family budgets, vacation plans, savings plans, etc.) for their families. Other examples are having a fire and house safety plan and a plan for what to do when you get separated in a large public spaces.

Some of the plans are:

•            Short Term (dealing with what’s real): how to best navigate a week of rushed and early morning departs form the house, getting everyone to their various after-school activities, etc

•            Long term (aiming for the ideal): how to grow and maintain family closeness—by creating traditions like family game nights, or sharing a holiday with grandparents, or other ‘big picture’ events like college planning (what a student needs to do to prepare for college, not just finances!) etc.

Taking time to plan, make goals, and talk about how you want your family to be even when real life interrupts, requires grit and a willingness to take a long view. And you know, these habits are not ‘instant’. They take time and energy to develop and maintain.

It is well worth taking time to dream, plan and live life while aiming for your ideals.  If you need inspiration, information and encouragement to help you build a family plan that is ‘gritty’ and real, call me. I am passionate about helping your family create SMAART goals for the #family win.

Check out this fantastic offer to move from Dreaming the IDEAL to REAL-izing it:

Click Here to Create and Realize Your Ideals!

Great Conversation Starters

There is a great gift for Dads (and all the family) on my website -- Great Conversation Starters…

These powerful conversations start with questions that are positive and encourage a response beyond a ‘one word’ answer. Knowing how to ask a question is important so you can open the door to dialogue and conversation.

AND, when you ask your child a good question for a conversation starter—you should practice your good listening skills to ensure your child learns to value sharing their thoughts and feelings with you. Good listening is an important resiliency skill to model. You have to practice…not just preach.

My free gift (http://www.finetunedfamilies.com/father-s-day-gift) gives you the conversations starters directions and examples around:

•Asking an open-ended question (to dream, problem solve, or to forecast).

•Asking a specific conversation question (to connect, to get information, or to plan).

Here are two simple guidelines on how to use great conversations starters:

Guideline #1: You have two ears and one mouth.

This is the perfect ratio to help you remember to listen twice as much as you talk.

Ask the question, then be quiet. Sit so you can lean in and share your interest in hearing the answer.

            A. Make sure your phone is off/ put away or in another room.                                                                   

Obvious…and yet time and time again I remind folks to practice electronic free conversations…the old fashion way face-to-face.

            B. Mind your ABC’s of good listening:

                        Attend with genuine attention

                        Be responsive to what is said

                        Care about the other person

                        Don’t interrupt

                        Encourage the person to say more ….

Guideline #2 Active Constructive Response builds, strengthens, & maintains important relationships.

            A. Ask follow up questions that show enthusiasm and the desire to hear more

     details.

            B. Choose constructive responses over destructive response.

                 This handy chart explains what active listening is and is not:

	Constructive	Destructive
Active	Show authentic interest & support	Bring up negative points, or correct their version of the sharing
Passive	Distracted or understated support	‘One upping' distracts from the sharing

 Check out  my free gift now at 

http://www.finetunedfamilies.com/father-s-day-gift

Happy Father’s Day…may all your conversations with your kids be great today!