This Young Adult Overcame Big Challenges Through Coaching!

In their quest for greater independence, teens and young adults often reach a point where they can't or won't turn to their parents when they feel stuck or overwhelmed (sound familiar?)  

Today, I’ll share a success story of a young man whose loving and concerned parents hired me to help him. Here is the story, with names changed for privacy:

Dianne, a loving mom, career woman, wife and more, hired me to help her oldest son, Chris was a very smart young college student who also happened to be very shy and uncomfortable making new friendships and talking with adults in both college and social settings.

Dianne explained Chris was soon to interview for a highly competitive internship at a large company in San Antonio.  While certain Chris had a lot to offer the company, Dianne feared he couldn’t make it past the interviews and would have great difficulty communicating and functioning in the internship if hired.

I first had Chris work with a business coach for a few sessions to hone his interview skills.  He nailed his interviews and landed the internship.  Then Chris and I began coaching, working to help him become more confident and comfortable in casual conversations.  We worked on how to team with other interns to get tasks done.  We looked at how to take assignments and show initiative in doing them.  We also looked at how to ask for help – being willing to ask questions when appropriate – not too soon and not waiting too long.

Over our time working together, Chris grew confident that he could take on this internship in a foreign environment, around complete strangers – both of which would not have been possible prior to coaching.

At the end of the summer’s internship, Chris proudly shared that he excelled in all areas, and was thought of highly enough to be asked back next year. 

Chris later landed a full-time position with this - his ideal company, and has been happily working there for 7 years and counting!

That’s a powerful story, right?  Know that I don’t do “one size fits all” coaching.  Instead, I carefully listen to what my client(s) bring, and help them establish goals and move into coaching.  To support discovery and growth, I also offer additional tools and resources to the client.

NOW is a great time to gift a teen or young adult the possibilities that open through coaching!

Check out my DASH Coaching offer by clicking HERE!

Build Great Memories with Great Conversations! Here's a Free Gift for Dad and The Family!

There is a great gift for Dads (and all the family) on my website -- Great Conversation Starters…

Powerful conversations start with questions that are positive, and encourage a response beyond a ‘one word’ answer. Knowing how to ask a question is important so you can open the door to dialogue and conversation.

When you ask your child a good question for a conversation starter—you should practice your good listening skills to ensure your child learns to value sharing their thoughts and feelings with you. Good listening is an important resiliency skill to model. You have to practice…not just preach.

My free gift (http://www.finetunedfamilies.com/father-s-day-gift) gives you the conversations starters directions and examples around:

•Asking an open-ended question (to dream, problem solve, or to forecast).

•Asking a specific conversation question (to connect, to get information, or to plan).

Here are two simple guidelines on how to use great conversations starters:

Guideline #1  You have two ears and one mouth.

This is the perfect ratio to help you remember to listen twice as much as you talk.

Ask the question, then be quiet. Sit so you can lean in and share your interest in hearing the answer.

            A. Make sure your phone is off/ put away or in another room.                                                        Obvious…and yet time and time again, I remind folks to practice electronic free conversations…the old fashioned way - face-to-face.

            

            B. Mind your ABC’s of good listening:

                        Attend with genuine attention

                        Be responsive to what is said

                        Care about the other person

                        Don’t interrupt

                        Encourage the person to say more ….

Guideline #2 Active Constructive Response builds, strengthens, & maintains important relationships.

            A. Ask follow up questions that show enthusiasm and the desire to hear more

     details.

            B. Choose constructive responses over destructive response.

                 This handy chart explains what active listening is and is not:

	Constructive	Destructive
Active	Show authentic interest & support	Bring up negative points, or correct their version of the sharing
Passive	Distracted or understated support	‘One upping' distracts from the sharing

Check out  my free gift now at 

http://www.finetunedfamilies.com/father-s-day-gift

Happy Father’s Day…may all your conversations with your kids be great today!

The value of Grit and 'being Gritty'

I recently watched this fantastic TED talk on GRIT that is being shared across the internet. It is a video worthy of your time. 

Click here to watch this short TED talk

Angela Lee Duckworth, a University of Pennsylvania Psychologist defines grit as the “perseverance and passion for long-term goals".  In a blog post by Jenny Williams, she states it "... is a better indicator of future earnings and happiness than either IQ or talent.” ( https://afineparent.com/building-character/what-is-grit.html )

Duckworth explains her research underscores the need for us all to be ‘gritty’ when helping our kids develop grit.

How can a parent help a child develop grit, you ask?

Duckworth acknowledges that she does not fully know. (Refreshing, right?) A child is unique. Learning is not ‘one size fits all’. We must all learn to learn. How successful you are as lifelong learner is determined by more than just a measurement of IQ or talent.

Learning is a lifelong function and needs a marathon mindset. Learning is not ‘done’ at the end of a grade, or when a project is turned in for a grade.  Learning is not a sprint. Learning is more than memorization and the ability to perform certain tasks and skills. Learning also includes the ability to wait, the ability to reset after failure, and to know that failure is not a permanent state.

Duckworth highlights a ‘growth mindset’, referencing a study from Stanford University, as an important concept to share with students. It actually empowers them to understand what happens to the brain when we learn. The growth mindset concept allows the student to adapt, to wait when needed, and to learn in the struggle. Learning to wait for an hour before playing a video game, waiting your turn in line, waiting to buy something with money saved over time is all part of the ‘growth mindset’ and will ensure a student’s ability to be gritty and thrive.

Duckworth challenges us all to be “more gritty”.

Creating a plan of action that guides our family through busy and demanding times also helps build grit.  It supports a marathon mindset and moves us away from constantly running around putting out fires.

Here is a powerful tool to help your family develop a ‘growth mindset’ and foster grit:  

https://www.finetunedfamilies.com/smaart-goals-land/

The Lady Banksia Rose story and taking the "Long View"

Spring is in the air and I've got another Fine-Tuned Family minute here.  Let me know how you have or will take the "Long View" in parenting your kids:

 If you prefer to read instead of watching a video, here is the transcript:

Hi, Parent Coach Janet Bonnin here of Fine-Tuned Families and The Families of the Way Ministry. This beautiful plant behind me is called a Lady Banksia Rose. It's about 20 years old. It's twice as tall as I am and equally wide around, and it has gorgeous blooms on it every spring.

I was looking at it the other day and realized this is a great metaphor for taking the long view in the raising of our kids. This plan required a lot of TLC when it was little, and has required regular care over the years. Likewise, when we're raising our children, we need to not only take care of what's right in front of us, the issues at hand, but we also need to take a long view in identifying the skills and talents that our kids need to acquire in order to be as happy and well-adjusted and successful as possible as adults.

My husband and I often get complimented on how well our kids turned out. And I can tell you it wasn't by chance. We had to take the long view. So join me, connect with me on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn as Janet Bonnin or Fine-Tuned Families or Families of the Way, and let me know what you are already doing to take the long view, and what you will do to take the long view. And please do me a favor and share this video with other parents that you know, who might like to be part of the conversation. Take care!

What We Need To Teach Our Kids After The Texas School Shootings (Updated)

After the horrific shootings of innocent students and faculty at Santa Fe High School and, earlier at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Florida, we've had much-needed discussions on how to prevent such a tragedy recurring.  The answers are complicated and will require both short and long-term solutions.  One thing we need to do is AVOID getting jaded by all this violence.  Our future lies in our kids and more and more of our kids are having trouble dealing with negative emotions like deep-seated anger.  

As a seasoned Family Coach and a fellow parent, these tragedies shake me to the core.  What can each of us do - especially those of us who are parents?  Wisdom from an article written by Psychologist Laura L. Hayes gets to the core of a major issue facing us individually, as families, in communities, and as a nation.  A few quotes from the article really stand out:

"We are a culture awash in anger....Violence is a product of compromised anger management skills...."

"Anger disorders are a product of long-term anger mismanagement. They are a pathological misdirection of normal aggressive feelings. Anger is, at its essence, a part of the basic biological reaction to danger, the fight or flight response...."

"The truth is, anger management skills are simple techniques that can and should be taught to children and adolescents. We should not wait to teach these skills until verbally or physically violent behavior has become habitual and, often, life-threatening...."

Here is what I'm offering to help you move from “Thinking” to “Doing”:

- GRAB my great 3 part "Overcoming Anger" freebie for you and your family here:  http://bit.ly/2kf6g7D

- JOIN US in conversation, learning and calls to action by giving the Fine-Tuned Families Facebook page a "LIKE" here:  http://bit.ly/2Cd63g6

Our Facebook community helps you prepare your kids for a happier and more resilient future.  I share wisdom, topics for discussion and calls to action.  You can share wisdom, support,and encouragement with your fellow parents.  Together, we'll help you take action and make decisions today that will better equip your kids for their futures. 

- SHARE this post with fellow parents who want to take a stand and transform their families and communities. 

Your Kids Got Gratitude? Get Ideas and Inspiration for it HERE!

"Gratitude can transform common days into thanksgivings, turn routine jobs into joy and change ordinary opportunities into blessings." -- William Arthur Ward

As parents, we desire that our kids appreciate what they have and are willing to be of service.  Awhile back, I sat down with my dear friends and colleagues, Ricardo Flores-Clar and Angela Woodrow for an amazing “Wise Parents, Wise Kids” video chat on this. 

We talked about fostering an “attitude of gratitude” and internalizing it.  Then we moved on to look at wonderful yet simple ideas for putting our gratefulness into action.   Listen in to hear, among other things, stories about a “High Five Fest”, a family in El Salvador who gives back to the homeless, and a magical moment when Angie’s kids invited their friends into their family gatherings.

“Gratitude should not just be a reaction to getting what you want, but an all-the-time gratitude, the kind where you notice the little things and where you constantly look for the good…”  --Marelisa Fabrega

Good habits become great traditions, fostering awareness and a spirit of gratitude.  If you do these things often enough, they become ingrained in who you are, even spreading outside the family to help make our world a better place.

I’ve got to say this is one of my favorite “Wise Parents, Wise Kids” video chats ever!  Not only will you come away with ideas, you’ll enjoy and feel inspired.  So grab your favorite beverage, a pen and paper, and JOIN US by clicking here:    http://bit.ly/2B8YvXX 

Do This to Walk the Line: Talking to Your Kids About Natural and Man-made Disasters

Many natural and man-made disasters are in the news 24 / 7 these days.  How can we as parents educate and reassure our kids without completely isolating them from the events?  Let’s take a look at some tips to foster awareness, understanding, reassurance, and empathy during difficult times.

The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) encourages parents, teachers, child care providers, and others who work closely with children to filter information about the crisis and present it in a way that their children can accommodate, adjust to, and cope with.

Awareness

1. Consider your children’s maturity levels.  For the really young, you may choose to protect them from the news.  For older children, a willingness to follow and discuss what is happening can inform and inspire curiosity, empathy, and discussion.
2. Set aside other tasks to really talk.  Your child may come to you with questions or concerns when you are busiest.  Be willing to put other things on hold if they seem to need it.

Understanding

3. Seek to understand and address what worries your child the most. Listen and ask questions to make sure you really get what he or she is saying and then gently address it on a level they can understand.
4. Reassure them that you’ll do everything to keep them safe.   Offer love, protection and reassurance that you will do your best to keep them safe.
5. Put things in perspective.  Put the event(s) in perspective (i.e.  the hurricane was many miles away, we just got a lot of rain.  The authorities are doing everything they can to rescue those in need.)
6. Pre-screen as much as possible.  Viewing a video clip showing a lot of violence can have a profound effect on a young child. Trust your instincts to guide you on age-appropriate content, avoiding things that may be too disturbing but sharing others that may inform and inspire them.

Reassurance

7. Let your child know you are concerned or upset, within limits.   It is fine to share your concerns as long as you don’t add fuel to the fire.  Carve out time to check in with yourself and reflect on your thoughts and feelings, reaching out to a trusted friend if needed.  Remember your children are looking to you on how to react and can be easily influenced by your emotions if they are out of control.
8. Take a time out from all forms of media.  Even when you are ‘hunkering down for the storm’, consider silencing the unnecessary news.  Read, sing songs  or play a simple game of cards to help ALL detach and regain focus. These ‘tools’ in your parent tool kit are always available - just like with a first aid kit, you have to review and make sure the supplies are ready to use.
9. Turn to a higher source. Whether you hold Christian, Jewish, Buddhist or other belief systems, some type of prayer or reflection can calm and reassure you and your child.

Empathy

10. Ask your kids what, if anything, they’d like to do to help.  Move on to what you can do. This is a great time to foster empathy and giving - what can you as a family do to help those impacted by the event? Participating in a local relief effort can help your child feel they are taking action to overcome feelings of helplessness.  Taking action also helps those in need and deepens your child’s empathy for others.

And finally:

11. Close by reassuring. When the chat is winding down, check to see if questions have been answered and offer to be there anytime your child wants to discuss it more.  

Taking steps to help your child understand world events without becoming overwhelmed by what is happening is an important life skill for you and your loved ones.  Using these tips as a guide can help you navigate any troubling event.

Doing This Will Help Your Family Thrive PLUS I Share an Inspiring Story!

"Take the long view: to think about the effects that something will have in the future instead of in the present. "              http://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/take-the-long-view

Identifying and embracing your family's long view (how your family wants to live EVEN when times are tough) helps you live out your values. Your family's long view helps inform your family how to respond and be proactive in all seasons of life. As parents, taking the long view is an important family philosophy AND life skill to cultivate.

Stephen Covey, author of international best seller, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, urges us to “be proactive” and to “begin with the end in mind”, (Habits One and Two) – which is key to taking the long view. Being proactive means you create and strive to live by a plan of action that you adjust as you move through your day, week, month and year. Beginning with the end in mind means you have an idea or a picture of where you want to go.  Otherwise, as Dr. David Campbell wisely covers in his book of the same title, “If you don’t know where you’re going, you’ll probably end up somewhere else”.

I recently had the pleasure talking with Carol Graham, as a guest on her internationally famous podcast, Never Ever Give Up Hope.  In it, I shared some of the incredibly difficult season of our lives, where for my family, taking the long view was the way we made it through my son's life threatening accident and healing. We all had to keep the long view in mind as we navigated hospitals and the long road of various therapies and miraculous recovery . The blessing and good news is through recovery and some major adaptation, we continued to focus on the long view for our family and recently celebrated a significant milestone because of it.

Listen to me talk about our struggles and triumphs through my son’s near fatal car accident and recovery here:

http://neverevergiveuphopenet.blogspot.ca/2017/08/wouldnt-you-love-to-know-how-to-better.html

Every family walks a different path, and every family can cultivate a long view to help them grow strong and be strong in all seasons of life.

That is my passion—to help families flourish as they take the long view.

Use this great tool to design and embrace a long view in your loved ones:

www.finetunedfamilies.com/home/#powerful-vision-tool

Fun Reading Ideas to Help Your Family Thrive

After the festivities of the 4^th of July fizzle out, we have the long hot days of summer ahead of us. What is your survival plan?...And why just survive? Why not thrive….AND have FUN!

The one thing we all can do and it really does not cost any money at all is read. After all, the family that reads together, grows together.

I heard an author comment on his approach to reading in his family recently on the podcast “Think Out Loud” (OPB/ NPR). He recommends that you think of your kids’ reading in the summer like time at the amusement park. Letting them pick the ride correlates to letting them pick what they read in the summer.  When I think about it, it makes sense. If they pick the item/topic to read, they will read it. He keeps it simple by making sure they all read together twice a day. Around breakfast time—a luxury for him he acknowledges as he starts the day with the family due to his ‘hallway commute’ of a flight of stairs to his writing office. And they read together in the evening – all electronics off. Yes, we all have books on digital devices, but I like his approach. Unplug and use the time to read aloud to each other, or read around the fire pit or in comfy hammocks or chairs. Your children will thank you for this delightful and delicious summer time routine that can be a tradition they practice all lifelong. To ensure there is enough to read during the evening reading time, his family goes to the library once a week—sometimes more.

There are a lot of fun ways to make your summer enjoyable and thriving.  Intentional, easy, fun activities to add to the daily reading ritual will make for a summer that sparkles with interest instead of frustration. With this basic EASY, Low or NO Cost plan in place, your week will go by fast as you share with family and friends wonderful slow connecting activities like taking walk, playing a board game and perhaps a game of tag or corn hole.  

What would it be like if you and your family friends went to the library together? We have long been advocates of the local library here at Fine-Tuned Families (listen to our Wise Parent Wise Kids conversation with our local librarian here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RHLaHYT-H9Q

Share with us over on our Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/finetunedfamilies/ how you and your family are choosing to thrive this summer by sharing reading time together. What is the book or topic that is hot for your young readers? We are wondering what we should read next… let us know how your summer amusement of reading and connecting plays out!

Celebrating Milestones

In our household we have some significant milestones to celebrate: graduation from college, successful job placements, and a wedding! As we start our 100 days of summer we will UNPLUG from electronics to enjoy these moments face to face.

Rest assured, these celebrations are a culmination of many "innings" in the "game of life." And these major, significant life events are occurring because those involved stayed committed to setting goals and working hard to modify and adjust as life and circumstances threw us some "curve balls." Our "team" had to dig deep and lean into the shared values, beliefs and long 7th inning stretches of unconditional love. When a curve ball changed our "at bat," we adjusted the plan, not our values or beliefs. On our "bench" were many friends and family to support and encourage us to stay in the game. 

Not every inning in life is a "home run." Often foul balls and strikeouts occur. Keeping the eye on the big picture (taking a long view) helps to get through the "innings" in life that are a challenge. When life plans are achieved, it is because resilient families plan, adjust and admit that practice comes before good enough and some form of perfect. Most importantly, the ability to "pinch hit" and laugh and love each other through all the phases and stages of the "game of life" makes the "home run" celebration season like the one we are experiencing, a real joy to share with all of the team. 

Give A Parent You Love (Even Yourself) This Mindful Gift!

In this season of gift giving, sometimes the best gift for busy parents is the gift of time and real support to solve a pressing issue. Most don’t ask, but the gift of time and support to be able to focus on key issues and concerns is on the top of everyone’s list. Everyone needs encouragement and help. Parent Coach Janet Bonnin offers the DASH Coaching process to help busy parents connect and fine-tune their parenting skills. "Parent smarter not harder" is the goal for the DASH Coaching session.

Do you, or do you know of parents who could use some encouragement and support in helping their family flourish? Gifting this coaching package is a way to encourage and support parents you know, love and care about.  “Parent Smarter using the DASH model” -- a simple format to help parents navigate ‘mindful parenting in the middle of it all’ using the coach approach. Choose 1 topic that you really want help on, purchase the package, and Janet will help you work through it! This powerful package includes a Snapshot Assessment identifying where you are, the Map you design to move forward, 2 -45-minute Video Coaching sessions to help you get there, and, as a bonus, the Fine-Tuned Family Cycle tool! Click Here to order this mindful and most helpful gift for busy parents!

Important Tips to Help Your Kids Learn about the Election and Its Aftermath

Like many of you, my heart is heavy as we watch the upheaval this election has brought to our nation.  Now is the time to help our kids, those who are aware of what is happening, deal with any anxiety and learn from the historical events in play.  After all, they will be choosing our leaders in a few short years. Let’s look at several points to help overcome heightened emotions and to help us think through complex issues.

Find a quiet time and place to look at what is happening with your children, if they are interested in doing so.  Remind them that you will keep them safe.  Remember your thoughts and emotions are a big influence on your kids.   If your emotions are running high, try to let them abate a bit before talking, so your reasoning can come through.

Emphasize the Head AND the Heart.  While it is normal to get upset at election results that didn’t go your way, or protests that turn violent, now is a good time to also look at what we can learn from the entire electoral process and our political system.  This is a great time to learn about things like our current election process, the Electoral College, and how the transition from one administration to another will work, using reliable sources.  Here is an article that suggests some questions and responses for discussion:  http://parents-together.org/talking-kid-presidential-election/

Show them to take what they view in perspective.  Sound bites and headlines can be alarming and often are meant to heighten your emotions.  This “sky is falling” mentality from many biased members of the press is apparently what sells.  If one article or story is particularly alarming, looking at another trusted source or two can help downplay any sensationalism.

Be mindful of the type and amount of news content you and your family consumes.  Young minds soak up what they see and hear and can have trouble keeping things in perspective.  Make time to discuss what you choose to view to help with that perspective.  Look for any positives in what you are seeing.  And make “screen free” time to decompress and get life back to normal.

Ask your wise elders what they think.  They’ve seen many close elections and a fair share of unrest.  They also have seen how we often come out the other side just fine or having learned a few tough lessons.  Have them tell stories of previous memorable elections.  They’ve seen improvements in our society that we may not recognize and can also discuss changes they feel are needed. 

Seek to understand other points of view.  Our beautiful, complex society is made of many people of different races, religions, origins, and economic levels.  We are not a “one belief fits all” nor a "we all have the same struggles" society any more than “one size fits all” works for all body types. Seeking to understand why other people think like they do leads to a greater empathy and understanding for all.  The ability to identify what we agree on gives us a place from which to discover ways to better our great nation.

Look to your spiritual practices and beliefs.  Prayer, meditation, spiritual readings, and more all help us bring our minds and hearts to a higher level.  What aspects of spirituality help you get past negative emotions and learn and grow as a person?

And finally….

Seek help if you need it.  If you find yourself particularly distraught and have trouble moving back to “life as normal”, seek the support of a coach, counselor or minister.  Remember your struggles can impact your kids.  We are passionate about helping folks like you learn to move past troubling issues.

I believe in our great nation and the people that live in it.  The family – your family – is going to help bring us to an even better future.  Let’s get started by embracing what works and identifying creative ways to address what needs changing!   Join our community at www.FineTunedFamilies.com  and through our Social Media links in the website.