Heading Off Crises in Family Life

Family life, especially in today’s world, can be quite challenging.  If you think about it, I imagine you have family or friends who have sad stories of struggles with children and other loved ones.  But these challenges, these problems, don’t usually happen overnight.  Seldom does one wake up to suddenly have issues like being in a marriage in crisis or having sons or daughters who are in trouble with the law - without some warning signs.  

You can take action to deal with problems before they become crises. A critical first step is to improve communication in your family – to learn how to really hear what your loved ones are telling you and how to work through issues.  Better communication skills will lessen disagreements, build trust and foster a stronger sense of family support.  It will give your children a sense that they can turn to you when they have problems.  When you've built better communication and trust, your sons and daughters are more open to seeing you as a role model in word and action.  You can then work to pass on the skills and values you hold dear. 

Question for reflection:  What are one or two areas I'd like to improve to better communicate with my loved ones?

Practice Unconditional Love: Listen First, Respond Later

My first career after my husband and I married was that of working as an Industrial Engineer at Kelly Air Force Base in San Antonio.  Back then, being a female engineer in a mostly-male world drew a lot of ribbing from the younger male engineers in my group.  At the end of a trying day, John sometimes had to listen to me complain a bit .  He valiantly tried to tell me how to solve my problems, much to my frustration.  After this happened several times, I finally said, "John, I don't need you to rescue me, I just want you to listen!"

As parents, one of our first jobs when our kids are young is to keep them safe and, at times, to rescue them.  As our kids grow, they will take on more and more of that responsibility.  One of our jobs then becomes to listen well when they want to talk.  This allows our kids the place and space to explore what has happened and then decide what they might do next.  If you notice your conversations with your kids often spiral into an emotional tug of war, seek first to truly understand what they are saying instead of telling them what to do.  You may be surprised at the results!

Healthy Boundaries: A Colt Story to Ponder

By Angela Woodrow

Project Navigator with Fine-Tuned Families

A corral is a healthy boundary for a colt. They learn to trust their surroundings-- in a safe environment the colt practices how to run and gallop effectively.

In a large, open, undefined space, colts continually bolt away from perceived dangers. They do not learn how to gain strength if they are constantly fleeing perceived dangers.

As they get stronger, the corral is widened, and distance is added. Only after the colt proves it is ready to follow instructions and is able to endure the distance of the corral, is the space lengthened or widened. This practice of gaining strength and efficiency, by  running first  in a smaller space, then graduating to larger spaces, and then finally to a full length track, allows the horse to build confidence. When a horse reaches the track for a race, it will know how to handle the distance.

Here’s the gentle wisdom behind the animal husbandry/ behavior science:

                         

"In the wild, when a horse is spooked, he will run up to 800 yards, turn, disengage, and look at what caused him to flee. Then he will snort, shake his head and decide whether to keep running or relax and stay where he is. A corral helps you to achieve disengagement. Disengagement of the hindquarters means that your horse is willing to give up his ability to leave, and that you now have the means to "engage" his power. When a horse faces you, you have become its leader, and you have set up an environment where learning can take place."   (Author: Deb Cooper: www.debcooperhorses.com  . The full article is available on the website and in www.Trailblazermagazine.com.)

So it is with our children. When we set loving boundaries for them, they learn and grow strong within those boundaries. When they demonstrate they have mastered the needed skills, wisdom, and strength to handle the ‘distance’ of their current boundaries, we can expand those limits a little bit at a time, until they are ready to ‘run the full distance of the track’.  Partnering in parenting requires agreement on the boundaries and the speed in which they are expanded.  Setting up a corral in which your colt faces you and is ready to learn how to ‘run free’ in due time, is a gift of love for a lifetime.